No worries. I’m still alive.

I’m going home this weekend. For a celebration. My celebration actually. My birthday celebration. Nothing big. Really.

You see, in the Indian community, when someone turns 21 it’s a big deal. A really big deal. A huge party is usually thrown, inviting at least a 100 people. Invitation cards will be printed and given to even the relatives you have not seen since u were in diapers. I’m not kidding you. If the party is at home, tents will be set up, foods catered. Otherwise, the party will be held at a big restaurant or even a hotel (like how one of my friends celebrated hers). Lots of people turn up, for the food and just to see the celebrated.

Somehow, I believe that the underlying goal behind such a huge occasion when someone turns 21 in the Indian community is to promote the person as someone eligible for marriage and proposal. I’m serious. In the Indian community, the age 21 is a ripe age for marriage, and so, you throw a big party when someone turns 21 and invite even the people you have not seen in 20 to 30 years because it is simply a publicity drive, to tell the world, ‘Hey, my son/daughter is hot, happening and is ready for marriage. So, if you’re interested, let us know.’

I didn’t want my birthday to be an occasion of that sort. So, I told my mom what I wanted exactly on my birthday celebration. However liberal I am, I do believe in celebrating birthdays. To me, these days are not to be taken for granted. Birthdays, for me, is a day, to rejoice an individual’s existence, and to celebrate his …..th year of celebrating an amazing life, to celebrate the friendships formed, memories made, and the completion of another year of life. So, I believe in celebrating them.

I told my mom, I wanted something simple. It is only going to involve about 20 people, inclusive of my family of five. Then, my priest uncle, another uncle and his family. My secondary school teacher, my church youth group advisor aka second mom, a close church friend, a close school friend, fabian and his family.

I’d love for some of my college friends to come, but I know it’s not easy to go all the way to penang for my birthday. Nevertheless, I’m still keeping my fingers crossed.

At the end of the day, I really wanted to celebrate and thank God for a beautiful 21 years. Having the people who made this 21 years of life beautiful, meaningful, memorable, and complete, with me on that special celebration is PERFECT. And I cannot ask for a better life than this.

This will be my scariest blog post…EVER.
So, please don't continue reading it, if it's too much for you to take.

Initially, I thought that I wouldn’t and shouldn’t blog about this because I know I am going to freak people out…

But I decided to post anyway because the feeling doesn’t want to go away until I put it down…

People often avoid this topic. They feel that talking about it or thinking about it is like inviting it over. I’m talking about DEATH.

Some friends have heard me say that I want to die early. Some have heard me say that I want a tragic death.

Honestly, I’ve always wanted to die young and tragic because that way I would have lived my life to the best in a short period of time, still managing to touch lives and a tragic death would mean I will be remembered. I also wanted to die young because I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear to see my parents die. I love them too much. It would break me and my world to have witness these two people leave me. And a life without them would be unbearable for me.

But then, I changed my mind. After that, I didn’t want to die young because I felt I was being selfish. If I couldn’t bear seeing my parents die young, what more my parents seeing me die, even younger. I know if anything like that happens, it would break them completely, to the extent they wouldn’t be able to move on with life. Everyday without me would be a nightmare, because I know they’ll remember me and then, my death all the time. From then on, I stopped wishing early death. I don’t mind dying young, but only after my parents have left the world, to make sure I do not cause them misery in anyway.

But lately, I’ve been getting this strange, strong feeling… An ominous feeling… I feel that I am meant to die young. I feel that everything that has happened to me, the many gifts that God gave me, no matter how undeserving I was, the many things he thought me, the many friends he gave, the beautiful memories he blessed me with, so many gifts were given to me at such a young age because He knew that’s all the time I have in the world. I can compare myself with anyone my age and without a doubt, I know I have been blessed in the craziest ways. My life has been complete and beautiful, although I am only 20.

I have gifts that many people my age don’t have, I’ve been through experiences that many people my age never had the chance for, I am gifted with the wisdom, patience, serenity, understanding, empathy, love in such magnitudes that many people my age wouldn’t have, many mysteries have been revealed to me. I feel like God gave me so much in such a short period of life, although I am undeserving of them all, because he knew I don’t have too much time left in the world.

I know some of you might be saying, I think too much, some may say I’m being paranoid…

But this thought dawned upon me only recently… I wasn’t thinking about it, it just came to me… and it was strong feeling that didn’t want to leave me for days…

Have you ever felt strongly about something, pushed it aside only to see it happen later?

I have…

It’s that kind of feeling…

I have been having this strong ominous feeling for days…

I sense death. Even if it wasn’t for me, I feel it is here and it is going to take someone dear to me. I am scared. I hope it doesn’t happen.

I think Death will take me young… not this year, not next… but possibly before I’m 30. I feel so convinced. There have been many times I feel so convinced about matters that I do not know much about, just to see it happen just as I believed it would. That’s how I feel about this. I just know I am destined for young death, no matter how ridiculous it sounds. I do not invite but I am ready for it.

My life…..feels short….

I know when it eventually happens, some people will mourn for me, some people will regret letting me go, some people will miss me, some people may not feel a thing…

But for those who I love and yet chose to let me go, I wished it dawned upon them earlier that I am not going to be here forever. I wish they realised how much I mean to them before it is too late. I wished people realised that LIFE IS REALLY SHORTER THAN WE PERCEIVE IT TO BE, that there’s not always going to be a tomorrow.

But I know, that not all people see the things the way I do. Of such, these things will inevitable. There are going to be people who will only realise I meant something to them when I am no longer here.

i know I said that you can look forward to some interesting posts on ‘sympathy vs. empathy’ and ‘survival of the fittest’. But something really interesting happened yesterday and i have decided to write about that first…

Yesterday, I went over to my aunt Lily’s place for a BBQ. She lives in KL, where I am studying too, but I haven’t been to her house for more than a year…

I went there not only to see her family and her, but also to meet another aunt, Aunt Christina that I’ve never seen in my entire life… I only knew her through that one card she sends faithfully every Christmas…She lives in Australia and has not been to Malaysia in over 30 years… Never met her, never talked to her, in fact, the messages in the Christmas card is pretty one way, that I don’t really consider it a communication.

But I finally met her yesterday.

When I first met her, I got this nostalgic feeling and tears welled up in my eyes. I know, you’re probably going ‘Uh?????’

It was this weird feeling… I just understood how everyone there felt…

It’s just a really amazing feeling… I could sense that an invisible distance now exists between them… There’s a feeling of awkwardness, space between them… Trying to pick up where you left 30 years ago, is not easy… Things change, people change, the dynamics of the relationship you share changes…

But I knew,

All that didn’t matter a bit… The difference didn’t matter… What matters is that after 30 years, they were all together again… and that was what cause the tears to well up in my eyes… She showed me pictures of herself when she was younger, pictures that she took with my mom, when they were 16-18 years old…

And I felt it even more…

Mom became an orphan when she was quite young… And these people were her family. I could also see that aunt Christina was my mother’s closest friend… but my mom lost her when she was barely 19… Even before she got married… I could sense a feeling of loss and loneliness in my mother, to lose her best friend and the feeling of losing the only little family she had left… She got married when she was 19 to my dad, started a new family with him but I knew things are not the same… I miss my mom and I see what she went through and how much we (my dad and my siblings and me) probably mean to her, looking at where she came from…

As I looked at them, I wondered about myself, my dad, my mom, my sis, my bro, my
friends, aunts and all the relationships I have created with people…

I wondered how things will be in 40 years…

Dad is almost 60 already. He probably has about 15-20 years left….ONLY…
Mom’s 48…and she getting tired as well, she’s got high BP…
Sister’s rebelling and has got a boyfriend (that I don’t like) and
Brother… I hardly talk to him anymore…

And then there’s Sim Mei, Amy, Sheikh, Rita, Anand, Gayathri, Dhayalen, Ezekiel…
Who I have grown to be really close to…
I wondered how we will be in 40 years…

If we would have grown apart from each other or if we would have managed to keep in touch and keep our friendship very much alive…

And there are schoolmates, Rohene, Muna, Agkillah, Meng Lin, Raani, Temme…
I haven’t seen Muna in almost a year… She studies in UK..
I do see Rohene and Meng Lin quite often now… but I don’t how much things are gonna change in 40 years time…

I haven’t seen Agkillah in more than a year, although we are both based in KL,

I haven’t seen Raani in months and she’s leaving at the end of the month to UK…

And Temme, I just recently met her after almost 2 years… she’s working now…

I’ve forged many meaningful relationships with people but I wonder where we are going to stand in 40 years time…

If I met them after 40 years, how will we be?

I know, that I wouldn’t care about the awkwardness or the distance…I would be happy just to see them again…

Life is short… Trust me… Way shorter than we may think it is…
So, appreciate every moment you have with the people around you… appreciate every moment you have in life… Take no one and nothing for granted… Not even the sunrise, the breeze… Cause u’ll miss it when it’s no longer around….