I wrote this in June 2010 but never published it in my blog. I just read it again and realised how some things haven't changed, and yet some have. It's almost 3 years since I wrote it but my prayers haven't changed, my desires haven't changed. In fact, the bible verses I've quoted here, have subconsciously become the most resounding and closest bible verses to my heart. I have come to learn that the desires (those legitimate, just and pure ones) in our hearts, it is the Lord who places them there in the first place. and if those desires persist over many many years with the same intensity, or even grows to greater intensity, then the Lord is guarding, nurturing and purifying those desires, preparing us to receive it one day. In that, I have full confidence and faith in My Lord, God.

"Ever since I understood what love was, I had always yearned to experience it with all my heart. I loved the sensitivity and intimacy I imagined would be experienced between a man and woman truly in love. I yearned for that same intimacy and sensitivity. God helped me to understand that love was selfless, that it goes beyond what I want, that it involved a lot of work, responsibility, and commitment.

He taught me that love was not a feeling that can fade away with time. Love was an action, a verb, a choice. It involved giving of one's self fully, freely, faithfully and fruitfully. The absence of any of these elements in a relationship of love makes it irrevocably incomplete. Knowing all these made me desire that experience, that relationship even more. I felt that now that I knew the theory, I wanted to get into the practical.

I saw it as an educational process. I wanted to put into practice what I had learned. I yearned for a relationship with the other half where everything I have learned can be put into practice. By now, I am sure you can already guess what the contents of my prayers were. Fervently, diligently, persistently I prayed and asked for God to unite me with the man that He has chosen for me that I can put all these that I have learned into practice. Bible verses such Matt 7:7-8 ("Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and the one who knocks, the door will be opened."), John 14:13-14 ("And whatever you ask in my name, I will do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything of me in my name, I will do it.") and James 1:6 ("But he should ask in faith, not doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed about by the wind.") gave me encouragement to continue asking God, believing that He will, one day, grant me my prayers. Some would say that what I did was out of faith. To me, what I did was out of disillusioned faith. limited faith, that did not see beyond the vantage point.

When no man came into my life (no one I could see myself sharing my life with), I couldn’t understand why God did not want to grant me my prayers. I kept wondering what I was still doing wrong that I needed to rectify, before God could answer my prayer. Is He telling me that I am not ready? Or is he telling me that the time is not right? Is the one He has for me not ready yet? I could spend hours, days, weeks pondering on this and I would find no answer that could satisfy me. I tried to keep my faith in God but some days, I would just sink into the pit hole in despair and misery thinking that maybe, just maybe I am not (yet) deserving to experience such a love.

I would think of all the unrequited love and I would fall into depression thinking of the lack of love in my life. It took me ages and one Bible verse to help me see that God had answered my prayers long before I even asked for it. One day, as I was reading, this verse hit right at me, piercing me. M a r k 1 0 : 5 1 "What do you want Me to do for you?" I felt like Jesus was asking me what I wanted Him to do for me. And the first thought that came to my mind was
 “Isn’t it obvious? I’ve asked You for it a gazillion of times. Why have You not answered me yet?” 

He said, “That is what your words are asking for. What do YOU want me to do for you?” 

I didn’t understand it at first. I thought to myself, 
“This is crazy. You know exactly what I want you to do for me. Why are You asking me again?” 

He replied, 
“I know exactly what you are asking me to do for you. But do you?” 

I took a step back and just wanted to think about it. Something in me unravelled the mystery to me.

I know what is in your heart. I know what you truly desire. I see beyond your words, into your heart, mind and spirit. You asked me for Love. You asked me to give you an opportunity to experience love in its most selfless, purest, intoxicating, complete, out-of-the-world form. So, I gave you Me, I gave you all of Me, all of My attention, all of My time, all of My blessings, all of My love. I gave you My life. I answered your prayers long before you knew it. You just never saw it.”

I remained silent. I was trying to process what I had just heard. It took me a while to understand and accept what He was telling me.

As much as I wanted a relationship between a man and a woman, the true reason why I even desired it was because I believed that it was this relationship that would allow me to experience love in one of its greatest form. What my heart truly desired was to experience love, to give and receive love in its most beautiful, purest, complete form. That is what I wanted to experience through the relationship that I was fervently asking God for. My prayers were answered long before I even realised it.

God saw beyond my words, into my heart, and knew exactly what I truly desired. He granted me my prayers. Not in the form I expected Him to but exactly in the form I wanted Him to. He gave me what my heart truly desired and not what I thought I wanted. And that was more than enough of a prayer answered for me.

Do you have prayers that have not been answered? Or have they been answered but you just have yet to recognise it?
I can finally understand how one eventually gives up on their nation and decides to leave it for another country. Talk to many Malaysians abroad and you will find out that (atleast) most of them, still miss many good things about Malaysia. They still talk about the beauty of diversity and culture in Malaysia. You will come to see that they do not think that the country that they are currently living in is perfect or far superior to Malaysia. What they did get in that country, which they were denied in Malaysia, was equal rights and rightful treatment as a citizen. They were treated to merit-based opportunity in their new foreign country, in which most of them have yet to become citizens. Perhaps many have acquired permanent residentship, some may not have even acquired that yet, but they were still given equal opportunities based on merit. Most people decide not to return to Malaysia after being abroad mainly for this reason.

They receive better treatment in a country where they are not even citizens, than in the country of their citizenship. Many of us back home are often quick to jump and call them traitors. Well, perhaps we need empathy to objectively evaluate the situation and then we will realise what a sad state Malaysia is in now, and the rakyat who chose to leave Malaysia are not to be blamed.

It is extremely painful and challenging to read the papers, mainstream and alternatives, because it leaves one with this immense sense of hopelessness. Sometimes, the sorry state Malaysia is in seems irreversible. One can’t help but feel helpless, like there was nothing they could do to improve the state of this country that they truly love.

How do you cope with being called an immigrant in your own country after your ancestors were granted citizenship? How do you cope seeing your country’s prominent ex-leader state that immigrants (which is a far cry from the rightful term, citizen) are guests in the country until they have completely abandoned their mother tongues and cultures and absolved the culture and language of their country of residence? How do you cope when your peers, equally educated as you, agree with that statement? How do you cope with seeing your country’s current leader make a joke of the people who were mistreated by the police in a peaceful rally for free and fair election? How do you really cope? How do you cope knowing that many do not see racism as racism but as a way of merely defending the rights of their people? How do you cope?

Read this history journal (http://www.jstor.org/stable/3035316) and use your critical thinking to ascertain why were the so-called immigrants granted citizenship half a century ago. If they are really immigrants and will continue to be so, as they were not originally from this land, why grant citizenship to them in the first place? Out of mercy and generosity? Give it a rational thought. The 'immigrants' were granted citizenship because the immigrants, in one way or another, contributed positively to the development of the nation. They needed the numbers (of citizens) to convince the colonist that the country had stability to finally be independent.They needed the numbers to make the public services, the administratives offices and especially to garner a convincing win in the election. 

Did you know that Tun Hussein Onn’s Parti Negara candidates for the 1955 election were made up of a large majority of Malays (32 out of 33 candidates) and yet they did not win? 
Why do you think that was the case? 
Do you not think that the rakyat at that point would have wanted a purely Malay-based government [bear in mind that the majority(84%) of registered voters at that time were Malays]? 

Why then, did the Alliance party consisting of candidates from 3 major races (MCA, MIC, UMNO) win instead?

Because the people then recognised that the country prospered well with cooperation from all the major races. Because they recognised the human dignity and value the ‘immigrants’ possessed which called for equal and kind treatment, not out of mercy, but out of human duty.
Because they recognised, in love for their country, that what was good for the country in the long run, was collaboration and cooperation of all, living in the country.

Then, after the 1955 elections, the constitution (enforced in 1957) granted citizenship to the so-called immigrants. Why?

They granted citizenship to the ‘immigrants’ because they recognised the need for the ‘immigrants’ to make the country whole and truly functional. They did not grant citizenship out of some exclusively altruistic intention to extend mercy and kindness. 

It was largely a practical, political and economical decision. As it always is.

That was more than 50 years ago. 
If you really love your country, then please don’t take every word you hear from biased sources, for its face value. Start thinking critically about what we are being told by the the nation’s leaders. 

Let’s start using our intellect, conscience and maturity to acquire more accurate knowledge on the situation and to make decisions.

For once, let us we stop arguing about who the superior race of the country is and start making decisions for the good of the country for years to come.

If we really do love it and want to salvage it before it goes into the ruins, it is time to do something. 

Elections are coming up. Perhaps we can begin there. ;)

We both couldn't guard it,
Couldn’t protect what was precious to us,
And now we're standing here, 
With this great distance between us,
having lost what was gravely cherished,
Wondering what we did wrong,
How we got here. 

If only we had no emotions.
Maybe it's me,
Maybe it's not you.
Maybe if I felt nothing,
Maybe if I was just a machine,
You could key in the formula and 
I could react as how you would want me to.

What a tragedy it is,
To be humans,
Humans with mind, spirit and body,
with thoughts, emotions and actions.
Interlinked to each other,
yet so distinctly different.
Amidst all these differences,
we were called to guard this love of ours.
Should I be surprised that we failed?

I ask myself what I could have done differently,
Where we went wrong,
I ask myself,
If I had a time machine, would I go back in time to change anything?
Some things maybe, but so little actually.

Perhaps it was truly meant to be lost,
Perhaps there was nothing we could have done to save it,
Perhaps there is nothing we can do now to keep it,
Perhaps, just perhaps,
We were truly meant to lose each other. 

I wasn't sure whether I had or wanted to write anything this last day of 2012.

It has definitely been a year of grace, blessings and exponential growth for me. God has His plans for each of us, and though I may not understand most of it, by His grace, I have learnt to trust Him. That has been the greatest blessing for the year; having learnt how to trust the Lord genuinely, in mind, heart and will.

Does this mean that everything has been easy for me this year? Nope, quite the opposite actually.
Things have not been easy at all. December has been good since it was holidays with family and friends but for the most of the year, it has been filled with challenges and growing beyond my limitations and fears.
Did things turn out the way I prayed for? Nope. Quite the opposite actually. But does that mean that the Lord has deserted me? Of course not. I have learnt that the fact that the Lord loves us doesn't mean He will answer our prayers exactly how we want Him to. He will answer them in ways beyond our imagination, which sometimes means that His immediate answer to our prayers may be a 'No' taking into account many other factors involved.

Start 2013, I have big decisions to implement and I genuinely pray for the grace and courage to pull through them.

hmmm. grace, Lord, grace indeed...


In the course of the research that I am doing currently, I work with zebrafish embryos a lot. We mate the male and female fishes, collect the fertilised embryos and either breed them until the age we desire to perform the experiments on, or perform experiments on them at their 1-cell embryo stages.

I am not quite sure what you are feeling as you read about the kind of work I do. Performing experiments on embryos, manipulating genetic material of fish embryos, collecting fertilised 1-cell stage embryos and injecting them with material that silences specific genetic expressions, and once the experiments are completed, we terminate the embryos. Sounds cruel, no?
 I think it is a little cruel. Perhaps it is the engrained nature within that is pricked at the very thought of using, manipulating and disposing life, according to my desire (experimental setup may be the more technical and accurate term) but I am reminded that all are created with a purpose, and shall live according to its purpose.

The other day, I was working with 48-hour-post-fertilisation (hpf) embryos. Only 48 hpf. I was collecting them, tearing open the chorion, and releasing them into the water environment (it is synonymous to giving birth, when the foetus leaves the womb, to enter an environment outside the safety of the womb). As I was trying, with as much delicacy as I possibly could, to tear open the chorion to release the embryos into their external environment, I could see how the embryos were moving, twitching, trying to help themselves to come out of the chorion as well. They were not only alive at a tender age of 48hpf, they seem to know that they need to leave the chorion, and that I was trying to do that as well. They had survival instincts. The moment I touched the chorion, they would twitch and turn, to avoid my forceps, to avoid injury to their body. Once there is a little tear on the chorion, they try to find their way out of the chorion, almost cooperating with me. All these in embryos of 48hpf.

So why am I sharing in length on what I am doing at work? Nope, I am not (yet) obsessed with science, nor am I so proud of what I do that I feel the urge to tell the world.

I write this because watching these 48-hpf embryos, triggered a thought in my mind. Here I am working with 48hpf embryos and it was as OBVIOUS as Hitler’s moustache that these embryos were very much alive, and are organisms despite their tender age, but we are arguing on whether 2-weeks old human foetuses are alive and can be considered human. If we viewed it purely scientifically, and since scientifically speaking it seems to be a question of taxonomy, a species of an organism is not determined by the age of the organism. We don’t look at 2 days old zebrafish embryos and wonder whether these can be considered zebrafishes. We don’t say bulls*** such as only 4-days old zebrafish embryos are zebrafishes. Taxonomy has NEVER classified species based on the age of an organism. The species of an organism is determined by its genetic material, regardless of its age.
But here we are, looking at 2-21 weeks old foetuses and arguing that it is not a human person. That only foetuses older than that are humans.

You see, objectively speaking, Abortion is really NOT a question of at what age is a foetus considered to be a human. Abortion is an argument on when it is okay to murder. We are trying to put a period for when murder can be performed. Terminating of human life at the whim and fancy of another (even if it is the mother) cannot be justified, regardless of what our reasons are. The choice in abortion is between not killing and being okay to kill. Where is the argument in it, really?

The Obama government, approved abortion to be performed at any age of the foetuses without the need to give any reason. He is basically saying, that it doesn’t matter to him, if a life of a human person is being terminated for whatever cause. Apparently, to him, termination of life is a matter between the killer and the victim, and he respects freedom of choice so much that he will not interfere. What a beautiful system and understanding of ‘freedom’ we have.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate, judge or look down on those who have performed abortion, those who will have an abortion, those who are having an abortion as I speak right now. I love them and I know it must be so very difficult to be in their position. Perhaps they feel disadvantaged physically, economically, mentally, psychologically to provide and nurture another human being. However, just because I understand what they feel and the situation they are in, doesn’t mean that I am going to lie or deprive them of the truth. All are entitled to the freedom of truth, and choices are made based on the truth that they are entitled to. They are entitled to know the truth of their actions, of the consequences involved. They have a right to not be misled into believing that abortion is NOT termination of LIFE ie MURDER. They have a right to know that whether a foetus is 1-day or 32-weeks old, it is still a human life, albeit at a different stage. They deserve to know that the age of the foetus in no way diminishes its human quality and species.

There is nothing more to say than that.

We are stuck with these. The will to disbelieve. Difussion of responsibility. Lack of education.  Disrespect for the dignity of life.

Random, yet not so random after all.
Plato as quoted by Fr. Brendan Purcell

That which makes human beings human in terms of a love that deepens through the three stages of what is called the love of outer, inner and everlasting beauty.

a) love of outer beauty:
"First, he will fall in love with the beauty of the individual body, so that his passion may give rise to noble discourse. Next, he will see that if he is to devote himself to loveliness of form, it will be absurd to deny that the beauty of each and every body is the same... he must be the lover of every lovely body"

b) love of inner beauty
"Next, he must grasp that the beauties of the body are as nothing to the beauties of the soul, so that wherever he meets with spiritual loveliness, even in the husk of an unlovely body, he will find it beautiful enough to fall in love with, and to cherish -  and beautiful enough to quicken in his heart a longing for such discourse as tends towards the building of a noble nature. And from this he will be led to contemplate the beauty of laws and institutions"

c) love of everlasting beauty
"And now, Socrates, there bursts upon him that wondrous vision which is the very soul of the beauty he has toiled so long for. It is an everlasting loveliness which neither comes nor goes which neither flowers nor fades... Nor will his vision of the beautiful take the form of a face... or of anything of the flesh. It will neither be words, nor knowledge, nor a something which exists in something else... but subsisting of itself and by itself in an eternal oneness, while every lovely thing partakes of it... starting from individual beauties, the quest for the universal beauty must find him ever mounting the heavenly ladder... until at last he comes to know what beauty is."


Never in my entire life, did I imagine that I turning 25 would be monumental. I mean, in some ways unconsciously I think I dreaded turning 25. There is something about turning quarter a century old that sets the benchmark, a certain expectation of how one should be. I suppose, I felt that in the eye of the society, I am not very accomplished. At quarter a century old, neither am I working, nor I am I in a long-term romantic relationship or working towards marriage. I have accomplished none of these. At quarter a century old, I am still studying, away from home, I am not dating anyone, or on my way to dating or being in a relationship. In the eye of the society, and in my own eyes, turning 25 was absolutely meaningless. There isn’t really anything to celebrate, I thought. No accomplishments to reflect on, no milestones. Just me. Plain me, turning 25.

I hadn’t seen it coming, this huge life changing learning that was about to take place just a week before my turning 25, over a 40 minutes conversation.

As I was growing up, I understood what feminineness was about and it came to me quite naturally. When I was in my teens, in order to fit in, I avoided expressing my feminine side, because all my close girlfriends at that age were not as feminine. However, as I grew, I realised that being feminine was something that was already wired in my body and personality. It was something that came naturally, and I learned to be comfortable with my own femininity.

What seemed to have escaped my thought process was how feminineness was different from womanhood. I was comfortable expressing feminineness but not womanhood. Womanhood is the very design of a woman, her body complemented by her gentle spirit and caring mind. To a certain extent, I understood womanhood, but I didn’t realise how inhibited I was in expressing my own womanhood due to scepticisms and scars. Growing up in a male-dominated society, where woman are often treated as second class citizens, and objectified as one pleased with no sense of guilt, I was always extra cautious with the way I carried myself, cautious with my sense of dressing, cautious in my body language with my guy friends, cautious about the topic of conversation with my guy friends. In short, I had an obsessive compulsive disorder when it came to my relationship with men, because I didn’t want to give them any chance of objectifying or looking down on me. In short, my effort of avoiding being objectified led to the suppression of the innate expression of my very womanhood.

You see, for some odd reason (perhaps it wasn’t all that odd), I thought that women are objectified because of their womanhood. The more one expressed their womanhood, in their body, mind and spirit, the more prone they were to being objectified. I wish I understood earlier that women are objectified not because they express their womanhood, but simply because they are women.

If it wasn’t for that open, honest conversation that took place, I would have never come to realise that all these while, I have suppressed my womanhood, in my effort of preventing myself from being objectified. I was never comfortable with the idea of being a woman (expressing my womanhood), because I understood deep down, that being a woman, meant that I had the great risk of being objectified, just for being me.

Sorry boys, I don’t mean to be biased. I do agree there are men out there who have learned the art of continence and exercise respect for women by not objectifying them, but I grew watching many men who do not view objectification of women as something wrong.

So, I grew up being a woman who was comfortable in expressing her feminineness (which is not the trait that makes a woman objectifiable) but never her womanhood.

It was just a few days before turning 25, that it dawned upon me, that the Lord created and designed me to be a woman, in every sense of the word. It was His plan for me from the beginning. He put in deliberate care and detail in His formation of me, as a person, and especially a woman, so that I can learn to be a woman, the Lord designed me to be. All those years studying theology of the body, relationship between man and woman according to the Lord’s design, the gift of sexuality, sexual desires, marriage, all these things that have always fascinated me and inspired me, the Lord revealed them to prepare me for this moment, when He could teach me to simply be the woman He had designed me to be, and to be comfortable doing it.

At the brink of turning 25, He taught me the essence of womanhood, and called me to embrace it.  He taught me the art of being a woman, and now He calls me to live it out with courage in every sense of the word. He called me out of my fear of objectification, into a space of trust, faith and hope.

For the first time in 25 years, I understand my calling to be a woman, and I embrace it as the Lord designed it. For the first time in 25 years, I am comfortable being a woman, and expressing my womanhood. For the first time in 25 years, I feel more like myself than I have ever been. For the first time in 25 years, I am truly a woman, in every graspable form I can be, and for this moment, I can only respond with silent awe and adoration of the Creator, who created me, blessed me, designed me, inspired me, moulded me and brought me here in the first place.

A woman I am, a woman I shall be.

In my opinion, the very epitome of womanhood