I wrote this in June 2010 but never published it in my blog. I just read it again and realised how some things haven't changed, and yet some have. It's almost 3 years since I wrote it but my prayers haven't changed, my desires haven't changed. In fact, the bible verses I've quoted here, have subconsciously become the most resounding and closest bible verses to my heart. I have come to learn that the desires (those legitimate, just and pure ones) in our hearts, it is the Lord who places them there in the first place. and if those desires persist over many many years with the same intensity, or even grows to greater intensity, then the Lord is guarding, nurturing and purifying those desires, preparing us to receive it one day. In that, I have full confidence and faith in My Lord, God.
"Ever since I understood what love was, I had always yearned to experience it with all my heart. I loved the sensitivity and intimacy I imagined would be experienced between a man and woman truly in love. I yearned for that same intimacy and sensitivity. God helped me to understand that love was selfless, that it goes beyond what I want, that it involved a lot of work, responsibility, and commitment.
He taught me that love was not a feeling that can fade away with time. Love was an action, a verb, a choice. It involved giving of one's self fully, freely, faithfully and fruitfully. The absence of any of these elements in a relationship of love makes it irrevocably incomplete. Knowing all these made me desire that experience, that relationship even more. I felt that now that I knew the theory, I wanted to get into the practical.
I saw it as an educational process. I wanted to put into practice what I had learned. I yearned for a relationship with the other half where everything I have learned can be put into practice. By now, I am sure you can already guess what the contents of my prayers were. Fervently, diligently, persistently I prayed and asked for God to unite me with the man that He has chosen for me that I can put all these that I have learned into practice. Bible verses such Matt 7:7-8 ("Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and the one who knocks, the door will be opened."), John 14:13-14 ("And whatever you ask in my name, I will do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything of me in my name, I will do it.") and James 1:6 ("But he should ask in faith, not doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed about by the wind.") gave me encouragement to continue asking God, believing that He will, one day, grant me my prayers. Some would say that what I did was out of faith. To me, what I did was out of
When no man came into my life (no one I could see myself sharing my life with), I couldn’t understand why God did not want to grant me my prayers. I kept wondering what I was still doing wrong that I needed to rectify, before God could answer my prayer. Is He telling me that I am not ready? Or is he telling me that the time is not right? Is the one He has for me not ready yet? I could spend hours, days, weeks pondering on this and I would find no answer that could satisfy me. I tried to keep my faith in God but some days, I would just sink into the pit hole in despair and misery thinking that maybe, just maybe I am not (yet) deserving to experience such a love.
I would think of all the unrequited love and I would fall into depression thinking of the lack of love in my life. It took me ages and one Bible verse to help me see that God had answered my prayers long before I even asked for it. One day, as I was reading, this verse hit right at me, piercing me. M a r k 1 0 : 5 1 "What do you want Me to do for you?" I felt like Jesus was asking me what I wanted Him to do for me. And the first thought that came to my mind was
“Isn’t it obvious? I’ve asked You for it a gazillion of times. Why have You not answered me yet?”
He said, “That is what your words are asking for. What do YOU want me to do for you?”
I didn’t understand it at first. I thought to myself,
“This is crazy. You know exactly what I want you to do for me. Why are You asking me again?”
He replied, “I know exactly what you are asking me to do for you. But do you?”
I took a step back and just wanted to think about it. Something in me unravelled the mystery to me.
“I know what is in your heart. I know what you truly desire. I see beyond your words, into your heart, mind and spirit. You asked me for Love. You asked me to give you an opportunity to experience love in its most selfless, purest, intoxicating, complete, out-of-the-world form. So, I gave you Me, I gave you all of Me, all of My attention, all of My time, all of My blessings, all of My love. I gave you My life. I answered your prayers long before you knew it. You just never saw it.”
I remained silent. I was trying to process what I had just heard. It took me a while to understand and accept what He was telling me.
As much as I wanted a relationship between a man and a woman, the true reason why I even desired it was because I believed that it was this relationship that would allow me to experience love in one of its greatest form. What my heart truly desired was to experience love, to give and receive love in its most beautiful, purest, complete form. That is what I wanted to experience through the relationship that I was fervently asking God for. My prayers were answered long before I even realised it.
God saw beyond my words, into my heart, and knew exactly what I truly desired. He granted me my prayers. Not in the form I expected Him to but exactly in the form I wanted Him to. He gave me what my heart truly desired and not what I thought I wanted. And that was more than enough of a prayer answered for me.
Do you have prayers that have not been answered? Or have they been answered but you just have yet to recognise it?