Perhaps my devotion and desire for You can be sometimes baffling,
Perhaps what drives me so close to You and Your works is fascinating,
Perhaps, the fact that I am where I am today purely because of You is not very well known,
Perhaps the fact that all the things that could have unsurprisingly gone wrong and yet they never did (seeing the background I come from) was no coincidence,

Perhaps I failed to proclaim that every inch of my life has been so blessed because of your grace, that it is perfection, and that is no exaggeration.

You have made all things wonderful, perfect, O Lord, and that is no coincidence.
That is simply purely the Love You have for Your people.
Perhaps, no one knows, that You made have literally ALL things possible through You and for that I am truly truly grateful Lord.

For the many great wonderful things I know comes my way, not because of who I am, but because of who You are, I will forever be indebted in soul and body, in mind and heart to You, My Lord.

The institution of marriage has been so desecrated that lately, it has been so difficult for me to truly see and believe the purity and beauty that lies within it. The selfless and total gift of self to the other in marriage, has become somewhat of a taboo, impractical and delusional. As I watched the royal wedding, I was intrigued by the number of people who tuned in to watch the wedding. What is it about royal weddings that attract us, so much so that we would leave early from work, skip daily mass, talk our friends and family into rescheduling any plans that we may have had, just so that we can sit through and watch the wedding?

For your information, I didn’t do any of the above actually. I came back home as I normally would, took a short nap (although the royal wedding preparation was being screened on the tv), then got ready to attend the daily mass, walked down to the common hall of my hostel to find so many of my fellow residents gathered and following the wedding rather faithfully. I managed to catch a glimpse of Kate in her wedding dress, just before she got into the car to leave to Westminster Abbey Church before I left to attend mass in church. And I absolutely loved that dress. It was completely ethereal to me. I was telling Kathlin how it was exactly what I had in mind for my wedding (Not exaggerating!!!!). It is almost identical to what I had in mind for mine. I loved the laced sleeves, I loved the V-neckline, I loved the collar. It was beautiful. Then I went for mass, and then dinner, and then came back just in time to catch the royal kiss by the balcony. What are the odds? God blesses abundantly. He had no reason to but He still did.

So, yeah. Why share all this? Well, I came to realise that I had a subtle sense of contempt for the wedding. Sad but true. Perhaps it was because I was beginning to lose hope that love that is true and pure and God-centred existed and watching the royal wedding only made me feel like that this picture of perfection and fairy tale is but a lie and delusion. As I sat through mass, shared with God my doubts on this institution called marriage, my hopelessness was transformed into hopefulness, despair into trust.

I believe that the reason the royal wedding draws such a crowd of an audience is because of the so-called fairy tale-like nature of the wedding, the perfection that is portrayed, and the purity of the relationship and the magnanimous nature of the union.

And the reasons these elements draw our attention is because there is a strong desire hidden in the depths of our hearts to experience such a love and relationship in our lives too. We too desire for love that is grand, life-giving and life-transforming, love that is pure and unifying. We desire a love that is beautiful in such a grand scale; hence our fascination with royal weddings. Our fascination with the royal weddings reveals our desire for love that is more divine than utilitarian, love that is more fruitful than just pornographic, love that is more purified than just a result of a combination of human weaknesses.

The only problem is, although we know what we desire, we are not interested in pursuing such a thing in our lives, because we have been made to believe that such a love either doesn’t exist or is up to luck, or because it requires a lot of great efforts and making difficult choices, which we are not prepared to make. We desire but we are unwilling to give so much of ourselves, and work and effort to obtain it. Perhaps, sloth (i.e a sadness that arises from the fact that the good is difficult to obtain; and so we settle not to pursue it) is the evil that has robbed us of the fulfilment of the many desires that we feel in our hearts.

(Additional note: *In order to attain a higher value one must exert a greater effort of the will. So in order to spare ourselves the effort, to excuse our failure to obtain this value, we minimize its significance, deny it the respect it deserves. From Love and Responsibility by John Paul II)

But at the end of it all, despite the hopelessness I felt as I came to realize how unwilling we are to give what it takes to reap love in its fullest form, I was subsequently filled with the joy and hope of the promise of Christ, that because it is He who leads my life, then things will blessed against the norm, that He will bring good out of everything that can and may happen (even the not-so-good things) and eventually answer my prayers, and fulfill the desires in my heart, the desires which He placed in me.

And so I will wait, knowing that His promise will be accomplished because He desires for each of us a life lived in union with another (either in marriage or religious life) as He lives in union with Father and the Spirit.

They say loving someone means we must accept them for who they are. I agree. Acceptance is a very important part of any relationship. If I love you, then I should accept all your quirks, strengths, weakness, past mistakes, future responsibilities etc.

But I do wonder if acceptance means to never disagree.

If I knew what you are doing or choosing is bad for you, impedes your growth, potential and goodness as a person, then am I suppose to just accept what you do? Is that what loving you means?

I think we have somewhat become confused. We have concluded (rather ignorantly, I must say) that to accept someone means to agree and accept all the decisions he/she makes without any questions

Although acceptance is an important aspect of love, a greater challenge in love, greater than acceptance is the challenge to consciously decide to ALWAYS choose what is good for the person we love. We are not saying that we will make the decisions for the person, we are saying that whatever that is under our decision making territory, we will ensure those decisions bring good for the person we love, EVEN if it strains the relationship itself.

To choose to do something that is not good for the person we love, but is good for our relationship is actually quite selfish. The desire to preserve a relationship above choosing what is good for the other, just because it involves our own selves, or just because straining that relationship may lead to many heartaches and discomfort is a rather selfish decision.

It is like saying that, although I know that this particular decision you’re making (let’s say) is fatal, I will allow you to make it, because I accept you and all your decisions, and because I don’t want to lose our friendship. Although it may seem as if the latter action is stemmed from goodness, in actual fact it is selfish in nature.

Truly loving someone means to not only accept them as who they are, it also means to always make choices that are good for the person involved.

Should a mother, accept her child’s choice to consume poison just because it was the child’s choice and she should respect that choice? Respect for the freedom of choice ma! Sounds ridiculous, isn’t it? Of course the mother should express her disapproval on the choice the child has made, educate the child on the dangers of poison, and coax the child to not consume poison.

I hope we agree atleast on that.

Keeping that in mind, let us apply this to a different picture.

Should I just accept that some women or men just choose to be sex workers? That to some of them, it is just a way of earning an income? Is accepting them as individuals and respecting their freedom of choice mean that I should accept that to some of them, sex work is a form of career?

Because the act of sexual intercourse is not only a physical union between the two persons involved, because it is an act that involves union also at the spiritual level (because it is a life-giving act), and hence can you imagine the kind of fragmentation that occurs to a sex worker who unites in soul and body with different persons on a daily basis and then go on to separate from that union in a very short period of time? How can we then, say that such an act will not have any destructive effects on the sex worker’s physical, emotional and spiritual state?

Liberalism is good but it can bring about negative implications if used in extreme manners, without putting proper thoughts into it.

We may think that we are fighting for equal rights for sex workers. However, are we fighting for something that is good for them or are we fighting for something that is destructive for them? We care for the sex workers, but do we love them? Are we choosing to do what is good for them? Or are we choosing only to look at the first layer and ignore the rest of the layers of implications that come with that action?

A mother can be misunderstood by the child, when she chooses what is good for the child. Because what is good for child may not necessarily make the child happy at that point in time but a mother will still choose it, because to the mother, it does not matter if the child is upset or does not like the mother anymore. To the mother, what matter most is what is good for the child, above what is good for the mother, above what is good for the relationship.

I am not here to judge sex workers. Really. There must be a reason why they chose sex work. There must be something that has made them forget their own great value. I am sure they are beautiful amazing people. I have no doubt on that. There must be a reason they have made the choice they’ve made.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t tell them that they were created for so much more, with great value. That doesn’t mean that I won’t express disagreement if I know that the choices they are making for themselves is not good for them, rather it is destructive. I cannot decide for them, I cannot impose on them but I must, I must atleast do whatever that is in my power to help them make the right choice. I cannot champion sex work as a career option (under the false pretence of fighting for their rights) because it is not what is good for them.

If your own child came up to you and said that she would like to choose pornography or sex work as a career option, will you be instinctively supportive of it, simply because it is her freedom of choice or would you try to stop her and help her see the implications of her choice, hoping that she will learn to choose what is good for her?

Why can’t we treat sex workers with the same care we would have for our own children, for our own family members?

So, there was PAG (Persons’ Are Gifts’ ) camp which took place over the weekend.

Well, to put it very briefly, it was very challenging as a facilitator but very fulfilling as a person.

There were about 9 sessions in the camp, out of which I facilitated 3 sessions which were ‘How Tightly Wrapped Are You?’, BGR (boy-girl relationship) and finally God’s love.

Of the three, BGR (though some opined that this is my forte) was, what I felt, the worst. The session was divided into a separate boys and girls session. One of my fellow facilitator, Jon, handled the boys’ separate session whereas I handled the girls’ separate session. By God’s grace, the girls’ session went quite well. Based on feedbacks, it made the necessary impact, and the message that I intended to deliver, was delivered. Unfortunately, the joint session, which was facilitated by me, was a total disaster (it was to me). I still am very disappointed with my presentation. Perhaps only 10-15% of what was planned initially was delivered. For some weird reason, I felt that the message that was originally intended in the session, was somewhat too mature for this group of teens, especially the boys. For some reason, I opined that this information was not relevant to this group, that the information was too high up there for them. For that reason, I took out many essential parts from the session, and at the end of the day, I felt the session failed to deliver the intended message. Frustration still fills me. Who am I to decide whether the message is too challenging for them or irrelevant to them? I have underestimated their capability to grasp the message, and now I will never be able to find out or even rectify the mistake. I am truly sorry, Lord for my failures and inefficiency and I pray Father, that my shortcomings did not deprive any of the teens of the possibility of clarity and guide in matters regarding BGR. I truly failed. Lack of preparation and the inability or perhaps even a lack of effort to relate to the teen boys may have lead to this failure. Whatever it is, it can no longer be rectified. All I can do is sigh. Again and again.

All in all, at this point of time, I feel like I have failed greatly and have deprived the teens’ of the possibility of some impactful transformation.

Lord, have mercy on me in your constant love. In your compassion, blot out my sin. Cleanse me of evil, and wash me clean of my guilt.

That’s only the first regret of the week. Second regret of the week, is in relation to the mistakes I made in a past friendship. I guess I can’t help but blame myself for everything that has taken place.

I know that it was my weaknesses that lead to us losing that friendship. It was I who did not guard my heart right. It was me who made the wrong choices, choices that was neither good for our friendship, nor for ourselves. It was my sentimentality that has us brought here. If only I had guarded my heart right, if only I was firm and not so weak.

If that wasn’t enough, I was too weak to continue to be friends. So much has been lost.

Will you forgive me and my limitations?

Some things are meant to be lost. But this loss, I am responsible for it. But there is no turning back.

Lord, help me rely on your wisdom and not mine.

On the issues pertaining abortion. This was the fruit of a discussion I had on facebook with some pro-choice acquaintances. I am sharing it because I learnt so much myself through the discussion.

Claim: A woman has the right to her own body. She is not a baby-making machine and has the right to abort a baby she is not ready for.

Response: A human person has the gift of will to decide. I believe that the man and woman are aware that every time they participate in sexual intercourse, there is always the possibility of a life being formed. If the couple is not ready for a child, then they should practise self-mastery and refrain from sexual intercourse. A baby is a life, and hence abortion can never be anything short of murder. If we define true freedom as the ability to do anything, anytime and anywhere we want to, we are about to find out that we are wrong. If we advocate that true freedom lies in having the ability to make decision, to an extent that it surpasses the obligatory respect for life, then we have been mislead. If one can choose murder (in this case abortion) because one is the master of one's life and this is one's freedom of choice, then one can also choose to murder his/her 10-year-old daughter if the child is perceived to be inhibiting the parent’s growth as an individual. One can also choose to murder his wife, if he finds her an obstacle in his relationship with another woman, whom he has fallen madly in love with, whom he believes hold his key to a meaningful life.

Fortunately for us, value of a life and the due respect does not come with terms and conditions. A murder is a murder regardless of what stage in life it is performed. The value of life is an objective matter. The value of one's life is never dependent on what he does, what skills or talents he has, how good he is, but by the simple fact that he has life. The value of life is neither altered by the actions, the intentions, nor the method through which that life was conceived.

The Catholic church has never supported abortion. This is because we firmly acknowledge that no one life is of greater value than the other. In the case when the unborn child poses a direct fatal threat to the mother, all will be done to save that life, without intending direct harm to the child. If in the process of saving the mother, the child dies, then we know it was not a result of an intention to kill (even if it was to kill in order to save). Everything possible must be done to try to save both the mother’s and child’s life. If during the course of saving their lives, either the child or the mother dies, then, it is in no case an abortion or murder.

I can understand that the decision to not abort can become a very challenging one, especially when one is in a rather painful situation, such as teen pregnancy, rape, economic situation etc. However, do any of these factors reduce the value of that life growing? No. The value of the life growing inside does not decrease based on situations. It is actually a gift that the value of life is an objective thing, unaltered by circumstances. This actually means that regardless of who you are, what you do, where you stay, how much you earn, your value is equal to every other human person on earth. That is equality of persons in its essence.

When we justify murder according to the circumstances, in this case, abortion is justifiable if it was done with a good intention, ( i.e to preserve the child from trauma as she may not receive the support, love and care she deserves, or because the mother is unable to care for the child) then we are implying that the value of life is subjective.

I can actually apply the same principle into a different situation. If as a mother of a 10-year old, I find myself unable to care for the child, to provide for the child, then I can choose to kill the child. If I know I am going to die soon due to some disease etc, then I can choose to kill my child as I will not be able to provide for the child after death, after which she might end up in a orphanage leading a life far from the ideal. Would you agree with the mother who pushed her 5-year old daughter down the apartment to death (i'm sure you read similar cases in the papers) if she knew she was not able to provide for the child, is that action justified? No. Murder, regardless of the situation or condition, remains a murder. The value of a 10-year old child is the same as the one-month old foetus.

It is actually easier to have a moral stance that can be altered according to our convenience. What is difficult is finding the strength to stand by a moral stance, even if the situation is not to our convenience or benefit.

There is a common misconception that pro-lifers are self-righteous, judgemental, stubborn individuals who do not try to understand the situation the woman is in. Again, when we are against abortion, it is not because we feel we have the right to judge. No one does. 'Let the one here who has not sinned cast the first stone'. No one has the right to judge another. But everyone has the responsibility to care and fight for the value of every human life.

And the beautiful thing is, as a church, even as we have our moral stance, we don't impose it on others. We don't advocate punishments to people who did not have the same stance, or people whose actions violated these moral stances. But that does not stop us from being reminders. And as reminders, we're not saying you are doomed to hell because you have supported/performed abortion. We are saying that we love you enough to want to be honest with you. We love you enough to want you to recognise the value of your life, and every life around you.

The different forms and phases in Love, according to JPII

a. Love as attraction.

Attraction is a form of love, the most basic and preliminary of its kind. Attraction can be viewed as manifestation of a pull towards a ‘good’ we see in the object of attraction, in this case, a human person. The definition of good, however, may differ according to persons and may be influenced by environment, media etc. However, the initial reaction of attraction can also be considered “blind” as the attraction is very often a result of perception. The value of attraction is dependent on whether the good that the attraction is directed to is really what it ought to be, and is not merely perception. Furthermore, attraction should be to the person as a whole (recognizing the value a human person carries), and not just to the values(perceived to be) within a person (eg. kindness, generosity, maturity, humour, wisdom, compassion etc) . Impression is often a result of a perception rooted in an image (clean, sleek, sweet-looking, cute, strong, weak, fair etc) whereas emotion is inspired by a value. Whichever it is, an attraction resulting from an impression or an emotion experienced is most often than not, is not a true indication of the person as a whole. Hence, love cannot attain its fullest form, as it is not one that is proportionate to the value of the person.

Very often, Love as an attraction is the first phase in the action of love. However, it must, by the act of will, grow to become so much more. Love’s fullest form must be the goal.

b. Second form/phase in love, Love as desire.

Upon recognizing the person as a good, we then desire that good for ourselves. We want to have that good for ourselves. How is this different from selfishness? Desire for love and to ‘possess’ the object of love, is not a selfish response. On the other hand, the desire to have that person in our life, as our own, is a direct acknowledgement and acceptance of the truth that we are incomplete on our own, that we are incapable of living in confinement or without companionship. By this desire, we are acknowledging our dependence on another, in order to attain fullness ourself. Of course, when we say that it is our nature to live in companionship, we do not mean, that a single person or priests or monks are then, going against this nature. On the contrary, priests and monks live in companionship of God himself or a greater community (i.e a parish). A single person can still live in companionship of a community. Love as desire is also an indication of our innate desire to have what is good and fruitful. It is an indication of the desire for the ultimate good already inscribed in our souls, a desire for God.

c. Love as goodwill.

As much as I desire her/him for myself, above that, I desire what is good for him/her. I will choose what is good for her, above what is good for me. Here is where, the act of will plays a great role to mature love to its fuller form. Love as attraction and love as desire do not suffice for love to ripen to its true, fullest form. It would require a significant input from the person, by the act of will. What differentiates a human person from an animal?It is the gift of will. Animals have instinct, so do humans. However, the reason why a human person is not subjected to the whims and fancies of instincts is the gift of reason and will that God gave to us. Love can only take on its truest form when Man use one of God’s greatest gift to humankind, the will to perfect love. Regardless of my own inclinations, or weaknesses, or legitimate or illegitimate desires, I will always, by the act of will, choose what is good for my lover, above what is good for me. Perhaps, this is where love starts to become a challenge because it is no longer just something that happens spontaneously, and falls into place perfectly. This is where sacrifice and decisions that may be rather painful to self, need to be made.

And finally,

d. Love as reciprocity.

Love is a bilateral and interpersonal matter. As much as one desires another as a good for themselves and wish to have that good in their lives, above all, he/she would desire that their partner also wishes to share themselves with them. There is a desire, and a need for the love to be reciprocated. Reciprocity is the very nature of love. Why?Because love is not just about my love for you, or your love for me but it is about our love for each other and the desire for this “two” love to be unified and become one. Love can only attain its fullest form when there is reciprocity and union, when that two individual love, by the act of will and self-giving, then unifies and becomes one and bears good fruit. That is the fullest form of love attainable on earth.

And some reflection on a not-so related question,

What is the difference between eros and lust?

Eros, can be translated to erotic love and refers to the passionate mutual exchange of love between a man and woman. Eros is the love that desires for unification with the other that represents good for self. Eros is a gift. It is a gift that must be used to bear good fruit. All gifts are good and from God. However, they have the potential to be used according to man’s will, to bear either good fruits or bad. Similarly, sexual urge and eros, on their own, are gifts, good gifts. However, the fruits of these gifts will dependent on our actions and will. For example, intelligence, on its own, is a good gift. However, it can be used to bear bad fruits (fraud, robbery, forgery etc) or good fruits (scientific discoveries, education, improvement in standards of living etc). How does eros realize its fullest potential as a good gift? When it is infused with agape (unconditional, self-giving, God’s love). When eros infuses itself with agape, then does it attain its truest purpose. In Eros, the person is the end.

Lust is a serious and ugly distortion of love. It is not self-giving but self-seeking and the person and his value are reduced to merely being a means to achieve an end, which is often pleasure or self-gratification. In lust, the human person is objectified (viewed as an object that has the potential of conferring pleasure) and are used either physically, psychologically or mentally to achieve that end. This degrades and pollutes the value and sanctity of the person. Lust, though easy to be confused with Eros due to the similar characteristic of passion, is far from eros and a grave distortion of Eros. Lust is neither capable of infusion with agape nor of bearing good fruits.

Of course, I am not saying that love needs to acquire its fullest form before two people get into a relationship. I am saying that when two people are in a relationship, the fullest and truest form of love should always be the end we're working towards. and anyway, love is not a thing, or an event, it is an ongoing process. So, let's embrace the journey!

All in all, love requires a constant and consistent act of will, that can be challenging. It is not always easy, neither does it grow spontaneous. It requires a lot of hardwork and most of the time, it has very little to do with what we 'feel'. It may not always be pleasant, because it requires self-sacrifice and making choices that though good but not necessarily give happiness (Atleast not short-term).

So, here's to learning to love. If we can work so hard for so many other things in life (money, career, education, goals, dreams etc), why can't we work hard for that one thing we yearn so much in life, love?

Happy loving and learning to love.