The different forms and phases in Love, according to JPII

a. Love as attraction.

Attraction is a form of love, the most basic and preliminary of its kind. Attraction can be viewed as manifestation of a pull towards a ‘good’ we see in the object of attraction, in this case, a human person. The definition of good, however, may differ according to persons and may be influenced by environment, media etc. However, the initial reaction of attraction can also be considered “blind” as the attraction is very often a result of perception. The value of attraction is dependent on whether the good that the attraction is directed to is really what it ought to be, and is not merely perception. Furthermore, attraction should be to the person as a whole (recognizing the value a human person carries), and not just to the values(perceived to be) within a person (eg. kindness, generosity, maturity, humour, wisdom, compassion etc) . Impression is often a result of a perception rooted in an image (clean, sleek, sweet-looking, cute, strong, weak, fair etc) whereas emotion is inspired by a value. Whichever it is, an attraction resulting from an impression or an emotion experienced is most often than not, is not a true indication of the person as a whole. Hence, love cannot attain its fullest form, as it is not one that is proportionate to the value of the person.

Very often, Love as an attraction is the first phase in the action of love. However, it must, by the act of will, grow to become so much more. Love’s fullest form must be the goal.

b. Second form/phase in love, Love as desire.

Upon recognizing the person as a good, we then desire that good for ourselves. We want to have that good for ourselves. How is this different from selfishness? Desire for love and to ‘possess’ the object of love, is not a selfish response. On the other hand, the desire to have that person in our life, as our own, is a direct acknowledgement and acceptance of the truth that we are incomplete on our own, that we are incapable of living in confinement or without companionship. By this desire, we are acknowledging our dependence on another, in order to attain fullness ourself. Of course, when we say that it is our nature to live in companionship, we do not mean, that a single person or priests or monks are then, going against this nature. On the contrary, priests and monks live in companionship of God himself or a greater community (i.e a parish). A single person can still live in companionship of a community. Love as desire is also an indication of our innate desire to have what is good and fruitful. It is an indication of the desire for the ultimate good already inscribed in our souls, a desire for God.

c. Love as goodwill.

As much as I desire her/him for myself, above that, I desire what is good for him/her. I will choose what is good for her, above what is good for me. Here is where, the act of will plays a great role to mature love to its fuller form. Love as attraction and love as desire do not suffice for love to ripen to its true, fullest form. It would require a significant input from the person, by the act of will. What differentiates a human person from an animal?It is the gift of will. Animals have instinct, so do humans. However, the reason why a human person is not subjected to the whims and fancies of instincts is the gift of reason and will that God gave to us. Love can only take on its truest form when Man use one of God’s greatest gift to humankind, the will to perfect love. Regardless of my own inclinations, or weaknesses, or legitimate or illegitimate desires, I will always, by the act of will, choose what is good for my lover, above what is good for me. Perhaps, this is where love starts to become a challenge because it is no longer just something that happens spontaneously, and falls into place perfectly. This is where sacrifice and decisions that may be rather painful to self, need to be made.

And finally,

d. Love as reciprocity.

Love is a bilateral and interpersonal matter. As much as one desires another as a good for themselves and wish to have that good in their lives, above all, he/she would desire that their partner also wishes to share themselves with them. There is a desire, and a need for the love to be reciprocated. Reciprocity is the very nature of love. Why?Because love is not just about my love for you, or your love for me but it is about our love for each other and the desire for this “two” love to be unified and become one. Love can only attain its fullest form when there is reciprocity and union, when that two individual love, by the act of will and self-giving, then unifies and becomes one and bears good fruit. That is the fullest form of love attainable on earth.

And some reflection on a not-so related question,

What is the difference between eros and lust?

Eros, can be translated to erotic love and refers to the passionate mutual exchange of love between a man and woman. Eros is the love that desires for unification with the other that represents good for self. Eros is a gift. It is a gift that must be used to bear good fruit. All gifts are good and from God. However, they have the potential to be used according to man’s will, to bear either good fruits or bad. Similarly, sexual urge and eros, on their own, are gifts, good gifts. However, the fruits of these gifts will dependent on our actions and will. For example, intelligence, on its own, is a good gift. However, it can be used to bear bad fruits (fraud, robbery, forgery etc) or good fruits (scientific discoveries, education, improvement in standards of living etc). How does eros realize its fullest potential as a good gift? When it is infused with agape (unconditional, self-giving, God’s love). When eros infuses itself with agape, then does it attain its truest purpose. In Eros, the person is the end.

Lust is a serious and ugly distortion of love. It is not self-giving but self-seeking and the person and his value are reduced to merely being a means to achieve an end, which is often pleasure or self-gratification. In lust, the human person is objectified (viewed as an object that has the potential of conferring pleasure) and are used either physically, psychologically or mentally to achieve that end. This degrades and pollutes the value and sanctity of the person. Lust, though easy to be confused with Eros due to the similar characteristic of passion, is far from eros and a grave distortion of Eros. Lust is neither capable of infusion with agape nor of bearing good fruits.

Of course, I am not saying that love needs to acquire its fullest form before two people get into a relationship. I am saying that when two people are in a relationship, the fullest and truest form of love should always be the end we're working towards. and anyway, love is not a thing, or an event, it is an ongoing process. So, let's embrace the journey!

All in all, love requires a constant and consistent act of will, that can be challenging. It is not always easy, neither does it grow spontaneous. It requires a lot of hardwork and most of the time, it has very little to do with what we 'feel'. It may not always be pleasant, because it requires self-sacrifice and making choices that though good but not necessarily give happiness (Atleast not short-term).

So, here's to learning to love. If we can work so hard for so many other things in life (money, career, education, goals, dreams etc), why can't we work hard for that one thing we yearn so much in life, love?

Happy loving and learning to love.