Well, the past week or so has been more of a challenge for me. Perhaps, it was post-Christmas depression. In the week that I should and must have been filled with joy, I was filled with a sense of desolation, despair, discouraged, like nothing mattered. Perhaps it was the effect leaving family and home after spending 10 days with them. Perhaps, it was the realisation that regardless of the friends or the family, I was back to being alone (and perhaps the fear that this may be the reality for many more years to come, or forever escalated the depression). I am but an ordinary human person.

I suppose, the past year or two seem to have been such a waste (though this is absolutely untrue and was just a result of my skewed vision), with no progress, with efforts being wasted, with uncertainty being my most loyal companion, with failures to let go of attachments, for frustration resulting from desire for companionship vagera vagera (which means etc in hindi. :P)

I felt hope was slipping out of my hands and the sense of purpose was beginning to fade away. It took me a while to regain hope and redirect my vision to the Truth. But it is finally here, and hence the first post.

And it is not really an inspirational post. It is simply a post about me.

10 things you would have never known or guessed about me

1. 1. I am a lame rebel. The closest I got to rebelling when the man (who was an Indian) I loved didn’t have the courage to tell me he didn’t feel the same, and blamed it on his parents who will never agree to dating a girl of a different religion, and then went on to get into a relationship with a another girl, and didn’t even have the decency to tell me so, to whose girlfriend, I continued to show care, love and encouragement because she didn’t believe she was good enough for him, was to stop using my hands to eat and switched to cutleries. Don’t get it? That’s how lame a rebel I am. You see, I (mis)concluded that the reason he didn’t/couldn’t reciprocate my love was because I wasn’t an Indian girl enough for him. So, I reacted by rebelling by stopping to be any Indian, which to me, was to switch to cutleries when eating. Yes, sometimes, I am a real joke. That was the only way I would allow myself to rebel publicly to express the anger, frustration and pain I felt on the way he handled the situation. I wasn’t as upset with the fact that he didn’t love me as I was with the fact he didn’t have the courage and decency to be honest with me about it. Lame. I know already. That was about 4 years back. Have grown up since. Atleast I think I have.

2. 2. Though sensibility, practicality, reasoning, logic, intelligence and/or wisdom seem to be key characteristics of mine, as described by others, these qualities seem to just mysteriously disappear when it comes to matters of love. I am an overly optimistic, uncompromisingly ambitious (not on the type of man, but on the values that relationship should stand by), never giving up, pathetically unconditionally, unreasonably giving and frustratingly hopeful when it comes to loving. I’m starting to feel it’s a disorder.

3. 3. I am an introvert. You didn’t know that, did you? Although I can be hyper and mad and energetic and optimistic and enthusiastic and bubbly, I am more comfortable being an introvert. I love spending quiet times just reading, walking or just listening to people. I really do. I enjoy silence very much. Expressing myself verbally is an ardent challenge for me and making conversations with people isn’t as easy. I always make the effort to get to know the strangers and the new people I meet because I believe God has placed them there in my life for a reason and I never want to miss out on that gift. Greedy, I must say.

4. 4. As a teen, I was difficult, temperamental, rude and angry. I hated my mother for forcing me to do many things I hated. I was always quick to throw a tantrum. I had a sharp tongue which I’ve used to hurt, especially, my mom. I am not at all, proud of it. I regret it entirely. It is one of those things I am very ashamed of in my life. Transformation came slowly when I was approaching 16 years of age, through the sacrament of confirmation. No kidding. So much has changed since. Relationship with parents has been very blessed. Worked past our past hurts. And have learned to express our love for each other since. Thank you God.

5. 5. I am a dreamer. Literally. I dream A LOT. Almost every time I sleep. I’m always dreaming. There’s almost always friends and families involved. When I was younger, I used to dream that I am saving the world from evil forces. I am always trying relocate people to safety, hide them if necessary. I am always running in my dreams from the bad guys. Though, I don’t dream of saving in such big scales nowadays, I still do dream of saving my friends and families from the trouble, or pain or discouragement they are experiencing. I still do dream of reaching out and helping them in the most ordinary and simplistic way I can think of. Have I dreamt of being saved by someone else? Yes, a particular friend, and very often, my father. I love my dad. He is the most courageous, self-sacrificial man I know.

Write 5 first lar, uh? Because I can't think of the others yet.

And finally, the quote that I came across that I loved,

"Sometimes the world asks us to fight for things we do not understand and whose significance we may never discover. But we always know when some rules need to be broken." Paulo Coelho