This will be my scariest blog post…EVER.
So, please don't continue reading it, if it's too much for you to take.

Initially, I thought that I wouldn’t and shouldn’t blog about this because I know I am going to freak people out…

But I decided to post anyway because the feeling doesn’t want to go away until I put it down…

People often avoid this topic. They feel that talking about it or thinking about it is like inviting it over. I’m talking about DEATH.

Some friends have heard me say that I want to die early. Some have heard me say that I want a tragic death.

Honestly, I’ve always wanted to die young and tragic because that way I would have lived my life to the best in a short period of time, still managing to touch lives and a tragic death would mean I will be remembered. I also wanted to die young because I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear to see my parents die. I love them too much. It would break me and my world to have witness these two people leave me. And a life without them would be unbearable for me.

But then, I changed my mind. After that, I didn’t want to die young because I felt I was being selfish. If I couldn’t bear seeing my parents die young, what more my parents seeing me die, even younger. I know if anything like that happens, it would break them completely, to the extent they wouldn’t be able to move on with life. Everyday without me would be a nightmare, because I know they’ll remember me and then, my death all the time. From then on, I stopped wishing early death. I don’t mind dying young, but only after my parents have left the world, to make sure I do not cause them misery in anyway.

But lately, I’ve been getting this strange, strong feeling… An ominous feeling… I feel that I am meant to die young. I feel that everything that has happened to me, the many gifts that God gave me, no matter how undeserving I was, the many things he thought me, the many friends he gave, the beautiful memories he blessed me with, so many gifts were given to me at such a young age because He knew that’s all the time I have in the world. I can compare myself with anyone my age and without a doubt, I know I have been blessed in the craziest ways. My life has been complete and beautiful, although I am only 20.

I have gifts that many people my age don’t have, I’ve been through experiences that many people my age never had the chance for, I am gifted with the wisdom, patience, serenity, understanding, empathy, love in such magnitudes that many people my age wouldn’t have, many mysteries have been revealed to me. I feel like God gave me so much in such a short period of life, although I am undeserving of them all, because he knew I don’t have too much time left in the world.

I know some of you might be saying, I think too much, some may say I’m being paranoid…

But this thought dawned upon me only recently… I wasn’t thinking about it, it just came to me… and it was strong feeling that didn’t want to leave me for days…

Have you ever felt strongly about something, pushed it aside only to see it happen later?

I have…

It’s that kind of feeling…

I have been having this strong ominous feeling for days…

I sense death. Even if it wasn’t for me, I feel it is here and it is going to take someone dear to me. I am scared. I hope it doesn’t happen.

I think Death will take me young… not this year, not next… but possibly before I’m 30. I feel so convinced. There have been many times I feel so convinced about matters that I do not know much about, just to see it happen just as I believed it would. That’s how I feel about this. I just know I am destined for young death, no matter how ridiculous it sounds. I do not invite but I am ready for it.

My life…..feels short….

I know when it eventually happens, some people will mourn for me, some people will regret letting me go, some people will miss me, some people may not feel a thing…

But for those who I love and yet chose to let me go, I wished it dawned upon them earlier that I am not going to be here forever. I wish they realised how much I mean to them before it is too late. I wished people realised that LIFE IS REALLY SHORTER THAN WE PERCEIVE IT TO BE, that there’s not always going to be a tomorrow.

But I know, that not all people see the things the way I do. Of such, these things will inevitable. There are going to be people who will only realise I meant something to them when I am no longer here.

i know I said that you can look forward to some interesting posts on ‘sympathy vs. empathy’ and ‘survival of the fittest’. But something really interesting happened yesterday and i have decided to write about that first…

Yesterday, I went over to my aunt Lily’s place for a BBQ. She lives in KL, where I am studying too, but I haven’t been to her house for more than a year…

I went there not only to see her family and her, but also to meet another aunt, Aunt Christina that I’ve never seen in my entire life… I only knew her through that one card she sends faithfully every Christmas…She lives in Australia and has not been to Malaysia in over 30 years… Never met her, never talked to her, in fact, the messages in the Christmas card is pretty one way, that I don’t really consider it a communication.

But I finally met her yesterday.

When I first met her, I got this nostalgic feeling and tears welled up in my eyes. I know, you’re probably going ‘Uh?????’

It was this weird feeling… I just understood how everyone there felt…

It’s just a really amazing feeling… I could sense that an invisible distance now exists between them… There’s a feeling of awkwardness, space between them… Trying to pick up where you left 30 years ago, is not easy… Things change, people change, the dynamics of the relationship you share changes…

But I knew,

All that didn’t matter a bit… The difference didn’t matter… What matters is that after 30 years, they were all together again… and that was what cause the tears to well up in my eyes… She showed me pictures of herself when she was younger, pictures that she took with my mom, when they were 16-18 years old…

And I felt it even more…

Mom became an orphan when she was quite young… And these people were her family. I could also see that aunt Christina was my mother’s closest friend… but my mom lost her when she was barely 19… Even before she got married… I could sense a feeling of loss and loneliness in my mother, to lose her best friend and the feeling of losing the only little family she had left… She got married when she was 19 to my dad, started a new family with him but I knew things are not the same… I miss my mom and I see what she went through and how much we (my dad and my siblings and me) probably mean to her, looking at where she came from…

As I looked at them, I wondered about myself, my dad, my mom, my sis, my bro, my
friends, aunts and all the relationships I have created with people…

I wondered how things will be in 40 years…

Dad is almost 60 already. He probably has about 15-20 years left….ONLY…
Mom’s 48…and she getting tired as well, she’s got high BP…
Sister’s rebelling and has got a boyfriend (that I don’t like) and
Brother… I hardly talk to him anymore…

And then there’s Sim Mei, Amy, Sheikh, Rita, Anand, Gayathri, Dhayalen, Ezekiel…
Who I have grown to be really close to…
I wondered how we will be in 40 years…

If we would have grown apart from each other or if we would have managed to keep in touch and keep our friendship very much alive…

And there are schoolmates, Rohene, Muna, Agkillah, Meng Lin, Raani, Temme…
I haven’t seen Muna in almost a year… She studies in UK..
I do see Rohene and Meng Lin quite often now… but I don’t how much things are gonna change in 40 years time…

I haven’t seen Agkillah in more than a year, although we are both based in KL,

I haven’t seen Raani in months and she’s leaving at the end of the month to UK…

And Temme, I just recently met her after almost 2 years… she’s working now…

I’ve forged many meaningful relationships with people but I wonder where we are going to stand in 40 years time…

If I met them after 40 years, how will we be?

I know, that I wouldn’t care about the awkwardness or the distance…I would be happy just to see them again…

Life is short… Trust me… Way shorter than we may think it is…
So, appreciate every moment you have with the people around you… appreciate every moment you have in life… Take no one and nothing for granted… Not even the sunrise, the breeze… Cause u’ll miss it when it’s no longer around….

When I look back and read my own blog, I am happy with some of my posts and some posts, I’m not too proud of. I’ve realised that with time, my blog has evolved, am not sure for the better or the worst.

One thing that I noticed in my blogs, which I didn’t like was that my blogs, revolved around me, my thoughts, my opinions, my disappointments, my hurts, my happiness….

It was all about me. I didn’t like that about my blog. And I wanted to post something that was less about me and more about something that others can find useful, directly or indirectly. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I find my blog therapeutic as…

At the end of the day, my blog is the only place where what I think, feel, experience matters more than others’. Outside my blog, I try to accommodate to what others think and feel, because outside my blog, it is reality, revolving around real people who feel and think and are affected by what they hear, see and how they are treated.

No matter how strongly I feel about something, I still wouldn’t bring it out into the open if I feel there is a risk offending someone else. Sounds like I’m a safe, boring character? Maybe I am. Unless I can convince myself, beyond a shadow of a doubt that offending the other party is less important a deal than making an impact or telling the truth, I wouldn’t tell others about what I think or feel.

Maybe that is why my blog is important to me. Important to provide me with a channel to put forth thoughts that otherwise, would never leave me…

So, if there are times, you read my blog and feel disappointed or fail to understand why I write what I write, if u cannot connect to it, I’m sorry. But I need this to help me reassess myself, people around me and to stay sane.

Well, worry not. There has been few interesting topics that has been lingering in mind for quite some time now. But I am not exactly in the correct state of mind to produce a good piece of work. These are the topics that you can look forward to reading, sometime soon.

But til then, bear with me…

a. sympathy vs empathy

b. survival of the fittest

What would you do when you think that your biggest problem or your weakness is that you’re just too good…

I don’t know what I need to do. Please, dun start laughing, thinking that this is some kinda joke where I boast about myself.. it is not.

I’ve been thinking about it….

And it got me sad initially, then it got me annoyed, now, it got me sad again.

I’ve never thought it could be a problem, but now….i’m not that sure anymore…

Ever heard of the term ‘you’re just too good for me’? I have.

Once, when I met up with some old friends, they asked if I was still single, when I told them that I was, they couldn’t believe it and wanted to figure out why…

Their final conclusion: You’re just way too good for anyone…

When I fist heard it, I didn’t know what to make out of it. I’m too good for someone….What do you do when someone tells you that? Am I suppose to try to be less good? How do I do that? Lose my temper more? Stop being too responsible towards family, friends and society? Be mean and appreciate outer beauty more than inner beauty? Flirt more? I really don’t know…

The more I thought about it, the more ridiculous it felt. To not be good enough for someone because I’m too good for them it’s the worse feeling ever because I do not how to react. Eventually, I concluded that it was ridiculous and I couldn’t abide by it. By far, it is the most ridiculous reason for someone to not be loved, cuz they were too good anyone.

But when your friends feel like you’re too good for them and that it is difficult to live up to your standards, that you’re too good that they have to constantly live in your shadows…I cannot but feel the utmost pain… Pain because I have caused people that I care for and love to live under a shadow, whatmore under mine… All I wish for my friends and family is that they see themselves to be as beautiful and amazing as I see them to be. However, despite what you want, what you get at the end of the day, might be friends whose confidence is waned due to my own strengths or characteristics. I do not how to explain further.

Growing up, sister hated me because I was given the opportunity to skip a year of primary school, where I went from Std 3 directly to Std 5, which meant that I was in the same year as she was. Performing better than she did, got me a lot of attention, and got her a lot of questions. People concluded that she couldn’t do well, because she was plain lazy. When I was that young, that was I thought too, but not anymore… Different people have different intellectual capacity and that does not make them stupid, they can excel in areas that I most probably will suck at. But being a 12-year-old, it wasn’t easy having me as a sister. As we got older, she didn’t hate me anymore, we were friends but I knew deep down she still felt inferior to me, especially amongst relatives and outsiders. And I would try my best to make her understand that she’s got other talents. Have I succeeded in that? That’s still a question mark.

Then, the guy I felt in love with, felt I was too good for him. To him, I was beautiful inside out, got all the right personality and character but just too good for him. I was so good, that he didn’t have the heart to tell me that he didn’t love directly. Rather, he did things to take his guilt away and avoid hurting me but eventually he ended up leading me on and blindsiding me into believing he loved me to. I was so good to him that he couldn’t bare to tell me the truth, not even when he got himself a girlfriend. I was so good that he couldn’t tell me even that.

And now….

A good friend who has found it difficult to live under my shadows… who found it difficult to live up to my standards… Something I never saw coming because in my eyes, she’s great, she’s smart, she’s beautiful, and funny, and super nice… But someone so perfect feels like they’ve been living in my shadows, then I cannot help but feel hurt and disappointed with myself. Because I have caused her to feel insufficient around me. Something, I never wanted anyone to feel, whatmore, someone I truly care about.

I am proud to be part of uncool crowd, so that non-popular, non-conventional people still feel accepted around me…but when even your close friends find it hard to be your friend, then it raises questions….

Questions that I have yet to answer…

i’ve told many that I am really not an extrovert as many may have perceived and that I do not enjoy talking as much as others may think I do. Unfortunately, I have yet to meet anyone who can see, accept or agree that I am really am not a person who enjoys talking…

I don’t deny that I talk a lot. But honestly, most of the time I do it because I feel a need to. A need to break ice amongst people I just met, a need to make others feel comfortable with this new person they’ve met, A need to show others that I am not as cocky or snobbish as others may initially perceive me to be.

Lately, I’ve been talking a lot, a lot more than I usually do. And it is indeed tiring. I am currently involved in a project, where I have met new people who I need to work with well, with whom we need to form a good relationship for more effective team work and for all this to happen, there is a need to for me to put on the talkative, funny Felicita so that the awkwardness can be overcome. So, I talk, joke, be creative and interesting and witty and funny and fun. Things that make others feel comfortable and easy to be around me.

But….

Just because I can be all these since most of these qualities come quite easily for me, doesn’t mean I want to be or do all this.

Amongst the people that I work with, there is another group of people who happen to use the same facility with us for another program. I happen to know some of them. They are my Indian friends/family. I don’t necessarily know all of them well, don’t necessarily agree with everything they say, but I like them, respect them and enjoy their company for reasons I can’t really explain.

But these group of people, are very judgemental and often conclude that I am one cocky, arrogant girl with no respect to others just because I’m just not the super friendly kind. So, to prove to them that I am not what they think I am, I put on that friendly, fun, funny, witty, interesting character again.

All in all, it’s tiring… tiring because you have to constantly perform to ensure the other party is entertained and feel comfortable around you.

At the end of the day, I long, a lot, to just go home to someone who I don’t need to talk with at all, that I can be quiet all the way through and he’ll still find my company as meaningful as I would find his. I want to go home to someone who accepts my silence and doesn’t think there’s something wrong with me. I long to go home to someone who would take me in as who I am, with whom, I don’t have to be funny, or fun, or witty or creative or interesting. I want to go home to someone with whom I can be the plain me. The me who’s a lot quieter, a lot more thoughtful, the me who’s interested in listening to how their life as been…in its most genuine sense…life that is not masked by the temporary pleasures of life.

I see so many people around, so many friends, so many special individuals with whom I can feel a sense of inexplicable connection and yet, I wonder if there’s anyone who would be able to accept and understand the silent feli…

The fact that my real home is so far away and far from reach makes me hope that I’ll be able to create a home here for myself. A family. As weird as this may sound, but I don’t mind getting married at this age (to someone I love and who loves me back of course), simply because it would mean, I have a family here that I can go home to. But of course, I do wonder, if this family that I may have, requires me to be the funny, fun, witty feli or allows me to be the silent feli….

A friend came over and was chatting with me and my roommate, you know, about normal things, like exams and college and special sems and holidays and friends. In the midst of the conversation, out of nowhere, I felt, like a punch to my stomach, like the kind that brings you down. I felt disturbed, a little troubled or sad or depressed and I was shocked as to why I was feeling that way. I mean, we were talking about perfectly normal things. Then, why did I feel like we were discussing something rather depressing…

I thought about it. I really wanted to understand why I was feeling that way, especially when, the feeling did not go away.

And then I found the answer.

It was that time of the year where biomedical science student have their special sem, when everyone else goes home for holidays, we have our special sem where we do additional subjects and do our final year research. Yeap, lotsa work.

I was feeling the way I did because this special sem meant that it was time, where I would have to stay in college….alone….when people go home to their family for holidays, when my close friends will all be home, equally busy, doing their things, but yet away, in their world. This special sem, would mean, me in college, alone, struggling through research, without a place to run to when I am stressed or troubled or bored. It means, I’ll have to survive for two months without the little family I have made for myself. It’s not easy coming from penang and having a ‘family’ who are all locals.

No worries, I am not selfish. I’m not wishing that they lived far from their families like myself. Far from anything that sick. I’m happy they get to go home. I know how good it feels to be home, since I get to go home really seldom.

I guess I am just afraid of falling…afraid of coming back to an empty room, afraid of being alone, afraid of an empty college, afraid of life without friends and families to support, afraid of not having someone to turn to, afraid of drowning in my own thoughts without having someone to support, just having someone around.

Life of a student is really not as easy as people may think. There’s always a lot more going on. We just don’t realise until we take some time to think about it.

I know some of you guys are gonna read this and feel really bad for me. Don’t. It’s just my insecurities and I guess, it simply means you guys mean to me more than it seems. I am going to get through this, I’m sure. I'm gonna be okay...