Am I capable of being honest with the way I feel?
Am I capable of allowing others to see who I truly am and how my heart is always burdened many questions, doubts and pain?

I have always found it hard to open about how I truly feel about an event, situation or a past experience in life. I felt that people may not be capable of accepting or they may not be interested in listening to the not-so-happy-thoughts of Felicita.

Pain instigates fear in many. Of such, we try to avoid it. We avoid thinking about matters that bring pain, we avoid talking about matters that can cause pain and when we see a friend in pain, we (mistakenly) think avoiding, ignoring and forgetting the source of pain is the best way to help her.

It is for fear of these that we keep everything that hurts in one corner of our hearts. Left alone, not to be thought of or disturbed.

Inability to express how we truly feel and often hiding behind the mask of happiness, even when our mind and soul are disturbed by many issues builds up a feeling of restriction and suffocation, a feeling of being ‘entangled’.

When we hurt and yet we can tell no one, especially the one causing the hurt,

When we love and yet we cannot tell him/her the way we feel,

When we need some time to just unwind and let loose and yet we cannot find the time to do so,

When we see a friendship breaking down and yet we cannot gather the courage to stop and ask each other, ‘What is happening or has happened to us?’

When we feel lonely and alone, and we long for the presence for a significant other and yet find it hard to say it as it is for fear of being misinterpreted as being ‘desperate’,

When we are in need of care and a simple hug, when we long to hear the voice of an old friend, we fear that others will finally see through and realise that we are not as independent or as strong as many may have presumed.

Such are the fears of our mind that restrict us from expressing ourselves with genuine honesty.

Being deprived of the freedom to be truly be ourselves can result in the development of a personality that is insecure and continuously unhappy (covertly).

I have seen the effects of suppression of feelings in myself and I am slowly learning to be truly honest with myself and my feelings. No, it is not as easy as it sounds here but I am happy that I have begun to stop being afraid of how others may view my emotions and opinions. Rather, I’ve learnt to appreciate and be proud of the gift of wisdom, the richness of emotions and the power of empathy that God has given me.

And I pray that others may also find the same courage and delight in the satisfaction of being able to truly be themselves.

I have learnt to be honest in my actions and emotions.

Have you?

I’ve been thinking (as usual) for a while now about the issue that all of us consciously or subconsciously care about a lot.

Whether we admit it or not, everybody tries to fit in among the crowd or group of friends that they are around. Some of us are subtle in the way we try to fit in…For some, the changes they make on themselves to fit in are way more dramatic.

I am now, a quiet person. I can’t mix with strangers too well. I am distant and quiet and I really choose who I want to be friends with. I don’t care if I am in a new place. I don’t bother about what others think. I’ll just sit at one corner, stay quiet and observe the rest in the room. I get frequent glances that look at me with pity because I look lost (I think my close friends will find this hard to believe because naturally, I’m definitely not a quiet person). If people approach me to talk to me, I would appreciate their effort but I would hate making small meaningless talks just to lose the sense of awkwardness. I rather not talk at all. It is the people who come up and talk to me out of sympathy and that ‘oh-poor-girl-she’s-all-alone’ look that turns me off. Even if I’m all alone, doesn’t mean I feel lost in the new place and even if you’re surrounded by hundreds of people, doesn’t mean you feel belonged.

You see, back then, I was one of those people who didn’t have to try too hard to fit in among the crowd that I mix with. Honestly, I don’t know why God made it easy for me. I never really had problems making friends or mixing with a group of newly met strangers. It was easier for me to fit in (then) because to them, I was funny, loud, cute (what??i can’t understand it myself), different (but in an interesting sort of way of course), witty, smart, some even say I’m cool… People, people, this is not a Felicita-boasting session. I’m letting you know why it was easy for people to accept me, even if they didn’t really know me.

I guess these are some of qualities that are defined as acceptable or cool. Tell me which funny, interesting person get outcaste from a crowd. Virtually none, unless he/she was a real mean jackass.

But as I grew up and observed the people around me, even worse, as I empathised the outcasts of the society, I can’t help but hate the fact that I fit in. There are so many sweet, nice and amazing people out there who have it the difficult way. Less people are interested in making friends with them simply because they seem too quiet, too nerdy, not smart or popular enough. I think these people would give more than I would to get what I’ve been getting all my life, even without effort. Attention, credits, friends, acquaintances, popularity… Sometimes, I wish I could just give it to them.

I wondered what changed me. Why and how was there a transition from me, being an extrovert to me, being an introvert? As I analysed the situation (like I always do), what I unravelled fascinated me. I think that the change observed in me was stimulated by my subconscious mind, a subconscious mind that was troubled by the fact that so many people do many dramatic things to themselves just to fit in. From trying to lose enormous amount of weight (that eventually leads them to become anorexic or bulimic), changing fashion sense, trying hard to come with cool conversation, heck, some even change the way they walk (?????), the topics that you choose to discuss also reflects trying to fit in. Everything we do is about fitting in.

So, what ME decided to do, without me realising it, is to join the other extreme side. I decided to join the not-cool gang. I decided to deliberately not fit in. Doesn’t make sense? I know. I don’t understand it either but that is what has happened. I decided to be quiet, and just feel lost. I guess I wanted those who don’t fit in to know that it’s really okay to not fit in. I was comfortable not fitting in, and I wanted them to know that. I wanted people to know that fitting in is not so great after all. I wanted them to know that it is ok to not be accepted by the common crowd. I don’t know if I achieved my goals but woah what a complicated brain and personality I have. My subconscious mind changed me to be this ‘lost’ person just so that others who are lost feel at home.

Now, I feel more comfortable making friends with the quiet ones, the nerdy ones, the weird looking ones, the isolated ones. They attract me more than the loud, funny, popular ones. Subconciously, I’m actually avoiding the popular ones (although stupidly I am one of those popular person….). I’m still struggling to let people know that it is ok to not fit in. Don’t try to fit in. Just be yourself. And all those people who fit in, don’t think that, that’s the best that can happen or that’s what should happen. Instead, try to help those who don’t fit in feel that they are great just the way they are. That they are accepted even if they don’t fit in….

Gosh, this is pretty bad…I’m a rebel now…

I have this problem…Well, some people say it’s a talent, some say it’s a skill, I don’t know if anybody will say that it’s a curse…But I do feel that sometimes it’s a problem…especially if others find it uncomfortable….

Those who know me or at least, my blog may have realised that I have a knack for observing and analysing people… in my world, human beings and human emotions are THE most fascinating thing in the entire universe… There’s just something about how people function, how they feel, emotions that drive them and the stories that drive those emotions…

In life, I meet many different kind of people. Both the similarities and the differences that I observe in people from different walks of life never fails to captivate my interest…

What more, when you meet diamond among the jewels… When I stumble upon characters so different, mysterious or complex, I feel so drawn to figure out at least 10 % of who they are and what they’re made of… Rarity scintillates me….

So, I met a new character/friend/acquaintance…

And I wanted to put into words the amazingly complex yet subtle things I noticed about him… If he happens to read this and recognises what I wrote as himself, then I’ll rejoice because (thank god!!) I got the 10 % right…if he reads and couldn’t identify this character as himself, then I failed, which is fine, because that only makes him all the more interesting… if he doesn’t read it, then…hmmm… i don’t know…

To start with, he seems just like another popular city boy… Speaks really well, pretty good looking, popular, witty, surrounded by good friends, cheeky,

But….(there’s always a BUT)

I think there’s so much more to him than that almost-perfect popular city boy…

Surprisingly, he’s not a person of too many words. He can speak really well but I think he hardly ever uses that ability… Many people who speak well find it most comfortable to express themselves using words because they’ve got good control over language… but this boy, he speaks well and yet isn’t too comfortable using words to express himself… In many occasions, the only way to find out what he’s feeling is by sensing his aura and his body language… When he does use words to try to express himself, I find them to be almost always incomplete… an expression that seems to be lying loose in the air… it’s almost as if words aren’t enough to express what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling (or somewhat his feelings). It’s as if his emotions are too complex to be put into words…

He’s very cautious with words and what he says… Careful not to offend anybody (I definitely should learn that from him)… Careful not to give too much information… Careful enough to conceal 80% about his real thoughts or feelings… On the surface, he appears to be normal 19-year-old who only cares about football, friends, girls, appearance, popularity bla, bla, bla but I think he cares for and about a lot more deeper issues (than an average boy would really pay attention to)… Religion, philosophy, questions about the world and the people who live in it…

I think he’s a boy of many opinions and thoughts… So many… but yet it’s hard to get a chance to listen to at least one of it… maybe he’s afraid…afraid of rejection…rejection of his opinions or thoughts…afraid that people may look at him as some kinda weirdo because some of his opinions may be a little peculiar or perplexing for people his age… or maybe he feels no one would actually understand his opinion/thoughts/feelings anyway… So, why share… Maybe he’s in search for something or somebody with whom he can share those thoughts with… And he just hasn’t found that person…I’m not sure if I’m right but I think he still doesn’t trust people too much or trust them enough to let them into his life…

He feels some form of drive to prove to whomever it is who looks down on him that, he’s much more than his past mistakes or his superficial personality… He’s got the drive to want to improve but of course, being human, he, sometimes fail due to his weaknesses [lazy; want to give time to (at present) other more important things]…

Of course, there’s so much more to him (and to any character) but this is as far as I’ve got… maybe with time or fate, I may be blessed with chances to find out more…

Overall, I think he’s an amazingly good person, inside out… he’s got my respect for just being himself and teaching me many things that he probably didn’t even realise he taught me… Thanks to you, if you know who you are…

Oh ….another thing…

He’s got those very thoughtful eyes that speak a thousand words but nothing you and I can understand. And that is the worst part, cuz it keeps you guessing until you’ve gathered enough courage to ask him about it..

Oh, oh,… another one…

His smile is controlled, simple and innocent but I think, he wished I didn’t say that… cuz he wants to be a cool boy…not innocent…

Love Quiz

Game rules：
A． People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves. Tag 8 people. Those who are tagged cannot refuse.
B． These 8 people must state who they were tagged by. You cannot tag the person who tagged you. Continue this game by sending this to 8 other people. People who are tagged will be blessed and their wishes will come true in the future.

1.If your partner betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Shocked and extremely hurt. Disbelief at the same time, I’ll accept it. Possibly because I am a sceptic and he was too good to be true.

2.What will you do if you do not share the same feelings as the person who likes you?
I’ll still be nice to him because I know exactly how it feels to be interested in someone who’s not interested in you. So, I wouldn’t want to make him to go through that. I’ll be as nice as I can but at the same time, wouldn’t give special or extra attention, so that he'll know that I appreciate him as a friend very much but nothing more.

3.What will your dream wedding be like?
Simple. Small crowd. No big wedding gowns. Possibly something I designed on my own. If possible, I want my uncle (who’s a priest) to preside it. It’ll be a 3-culture wedding with 3-culture reception with appreciation for close friends and family.

4.Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
Yes. I don’t know where he’s calling me to. I know he’s calling me but don’t know where to.. Confused!!!

5.What's your ideal lover like?
Somebody simple. Somebody who would trust me and not judge me. Somebody who wouldn't demand me to prove my love by putting him first. Somebody who would understand that I have many commitments to which I give equal importance to.

6.Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone else?
Both. But if I really had to choose, then it would be to love.

7.If the person you like does not accept you, would you continue to wait for them to change their feelings?
I wish I wouldn’t. But I think my subconscious mind will continue to hope that someday it may happen. I can’t be able to get over it instantly. Duration of recovery will depend on the level of emotional involvement. It may take months or maybe even years but I would pretend like I’m doing okay and great.

8.If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Bloody hell...Why does it always happen to me...I’ll be disappointed and maybe even hurt…. BUT I’ll be happy that he’s happy and I’ll pray that he’ll blessed with a good relationship and more happiness... i'll get over it... The truth is, there are a lot of nice people around...and i've got great friends and family...so, why bother?

9.Is there anything that has made you unhappy recently?
Recently? Hmmm… Maybe friends who let me down.

10.What do you want most in life?
Sense of satisfaction with the way I lived my life.

11.Is being tagged fun?
Depending on what’s the tag for.

12.If you find out that your best friend is going out with your boyfriend/girlfriend, how would you react?
Disappointed and hurt… but… I’ll still be friends with them and hope the best for them. Things like this happen but you can’t control it. It could have happened to me but thank god it didn’t. I’ll let them be.

13.Who is currently the most important person to you?
My father, who art in heaven and on earth.

14.What kind of person do you think I am?
Amy, reminds me that I’m not alone. Sweet, caring, sentimental, sensitive and God’s gift to me!!

15.What is the most unforgettable thing/event in your life?
Many little things that happen.

16.If the person you secretly like cannot recognise you, what would you do/how would you react?
I wouldn’t be surprised. I’ll smile at him and move on.

17.Would you give your all in a relationship?
My all but in a relative way. I mean, I wouldn’t choose him over my friends or my family but he’ll be of equal importance and of such, will receive equal ‘all’.

18.If you fall in love with two persons simultaneously, who would you pick?
You can be attracted to 2 persons simultaneously but you can’t love two persons in the same way. So, I would weigh and see who I love and not, who I like.

19.What type of friends do you like?
Friends who are genuine.

20.If you played a prank on someone, and he/she fell for the trick, what would you do?
LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for many more years to come…HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

People whom I tag:

sorry but i tagged no one...

i broke the rules....

BUT

rules are meant to be broken...

haha!!!

well, this is not my first blog... that is why the term pseudo was used...
i've officially switched from friendster to blogspot...

i am a serial blogger...
in a different kind of definition...
i blog often but also only when i have the time and topics to discuss...

i love receiving your comments...
honest opinions... are my posting too long, too boring, too religious, biased bla bla bla...
give it to me!!! cuz i sincerely welcome it....

Sorry that the layout cacat a bit cuz you know, first time using blogspot....so, i'm still learning....

and most importantly....

THANKS FOR DROPPING BY!!!!!