Am I capable of being honest with the way I feel?
Am I capable of allowing others to see who I truly am and how my heart is always burdened many questions, doubts and pain?

I have always found it hard to open about how I truly feel about an event, situation or a past experience in life. I felt that people may not be capable of accepting or they may not be interested in listening to the not-so-happy-thoughts of Felicita.

Pain instigates fear in many. Of such, we try to avoid it. We avoid thinking about matters that bring pain, we avoid talking about matters that can cause pain and when we see a friend in pain, we (mistakenly) think avoiding, ignoring and forgetting the source of pain is the best way to help her.

It is for fear of these that we keep everything that hurts in one corner of our hearts. Left alone, not to be thought of or disturbed.

Inability to express how we truly feel and often hiding behind the mask of happiness, even when our mind and soul are disturbed by many issues builds up a feeling of restriction and suffocation, a feeling of being ‘entangled’.

When we hurt and yet we can tell no one, especially the one causing the hurt,

When we love and yet we cannot tell him/her the way we feel,

When we need some time to just unwind and let loose and yet we cannot find the time to do so,

When we see a friendship breaking down and yet we cannot gather the courage to stop and ask each other, ‘What is happening or has happened to us?’

When we feel lonely and alone, and we long for the presence for a significant other and yet find it hard to say it as it is for fear of being misinterpreted as being ‘desperate’,

When we are in need of care and a simple hug, when we long to hear the voice of an old friend, we fear that others will finally see through and realise that we are not as independent or as strong as many may have presumed.

Such are the fears of our mind that restrict us from expressing ourselves with genuine honesty.

Being deprived of the freedom to be truly be ourselves can result in the development of a personality that is insecure and continuously unhappy (covertly).

I have seen the effects of suppression of feelings in myself and I am slowly learning to be truly honest with myself and my feelings. No, it is not as easy as it sounds here but I am happy that I have begun to stop being afraid of how others may view my emotions and opinions. Rather, I’ve learnt to appreciate and be proud of the gift of wisdom, the richness of emotions and the power of empathy that God has given me.

And I pray that others may also find the same courage and delight in the satisfaction of being able to truly be themselves.

I have learnt to be honest in my actions and emotions.

Have you?