Whether we admit it or not, everybody tries to fit in among the crowd or group of friends that they are around. Some of us are subtle in the way we try to fit in…For some, the changes they make on themselves to fit in are way more dramatic.

I am now, a quiet person. I can’t mix with strangers too well. I am distant and quiet and I really choose who I want to be friends with. I don’t care if I am in a new place. I don’t bother about what others think. I’ll just sit at one corner, stay quiet and observe the rest in the room. I get frequent glances that look at me with pity because I look lost (I think my close friends will find this hard to believe because naturally, I’m definitely not a quiet person). If people approach me to talk to me, I would appreciate their effort but I would hate making small meaningless talks just to lose the sense of awkwardness. I rather not talk at all. It is the people who come up and talk to me out of sympathy and that ‘oh-poor-girl-she’s-all-alone’ look that turns me off. Even if I’m all alone, doesn’t mean I feel lost in the new place and even if you’re surrounded by hundreds of people, doesn’t mean you feel belonged.

You see, back then, I was one of those people who didn’t have to try too hard to fit in among the crowd that I mix with. Honestly, I don’t know why God made it easy for me. I never really had problems making friends or mixing with a group of newly met strangers. It was easier for me to fit in (then) because to them, I was funny, loud, cute (what??i can’t understand it myself), different (but in an interesting sort of way of course), witty, smart, some even say I’m cool… People, people, this is not a Felicita-boasting session. I’m letting you know why it was easy for people to accept me, even if they didn’t really know me.

I guess these are some of qualities that are defined as acceptable or cool. Tell me which funny, interesting person get outcaste from a crowd. Virtually none, unless he/she was a real mean jackass.

But as I grew up and observed the people around me, even worse, as I empathised the outcasts of the society, I can’t help but hate the fact that I fit in. There are so many sweet, nice and amazing people out there who have it the difficult way. Less people are interested in making friends with them simply because they seem too quiet, too nerdy, not smart or popular enough. I think these people would give more than I would to get what I’ve been getting all my life, even without effort. Attention, credits, friends, acquaintances, popularity… Sometimes, I wish I could just give it to them.

I wondered what changed me. Why and how was there a transition from me, being an extrovert to me, being an introvert? As I analysed the situation (like I always do), what I unravelled fascinated me. I think that the change observed in me was stimulated by my subconscious mind, a subconscious mind that was troubled by the fact that so many people do many dramatic things to themselves just to fit in. From trying to lose enormous amount of weight (that eventually leads them to become anorexic or bulimic), changing fashion sense, trying hard to come with cool conversation, heck, some even change the way they walk (?????), the topics that you choose to discuss also reflects trying to fit in. Everything we do is about fitting in.

So, what ME decided to do, without me realising it, is to join the other extreme side. I decided to join the not-cool gang. I decided to deliberately not fit in. Doesn’t make sense? I know. I don’t understand it either but that is what has happened. I decided to be quiet, and just feel lost. I guess I wanted those who don’t fit in to know that it’s really okay to not fit in. I was comfortable not fitting in, and I wanted them to know that. I wanted people to know that fitting in is not so great after all. I wanted them to know that it is ok to not be accepted by the common crowd. I don’t know if I achieved my goals but woah what a complicated brain and personality I have. My subconscious mind changed me to be this ‘lost’ person just so that others who are lost feel at home.

Now, I feel more comfortable making friends with the quiet ones, the nerdy ones, the weird looking ones, the isolated ones. They attract me more than the loud, funny, popular ones. Subconciously, I’m actually avoiding the popular ones (although stupidly I am one of those popular person….). I’m still struggling to let people know that it is ok to not fit in. Don’t try to fit in. Just be yourself. And all those people who fit in, don’t think that, that’s the best that can happen or that’s what should happen. Instead, try to help those who don’t fit in feel that they are great just the way they are. That they are accepted even if they don’t fit in….

Gosh, this is pretty bad…I’m a rebel now…