The different forms and phases in Love, according to JPII

a. Love as attraction.

Attraction is a form of love, the most basic and preliminary of its kind. Attraction can be viewed as manifestation of a pull towards a ‘good’ we see in the object of attraction, in this case, a human person. The definition of good, however, may differ according to persons and may be influenced by environment, media etc. However, the initial reaction of attraction can also be considered “blind” as the attraction is very often a result of perception. The value of attraction is dependent on whether the good that the attraction is directed to is really what it ought to be, and is not merely perception. Furthermore, attraction should be to the person as a whole (recognizing the value a human person carries), and not just to the values(perceived to be) within a person (eg. kindness, generosity, maturity, humour, wisdom, compassion etc) . Impression is often a result of a perception rooted in an image (clean, sleek, sweet-looking, cute, strong, weak, fair etc) whereas emotion is inspired by a value. Whichever it is, an attraction resulting from an impression or an emotion experienced is most often than not, is not a true indication of the person as a whole. Hence, love cannot attain its fullest form, as it is not one that is proportionate to the value of the person.

Very often, Love as an attraction is the first phase in the action of love. However, it must, by the act of will, grow to become so much more. Love’s fullest form must be the goal.

b. Second form/phase in love, Love as desire.

Upon recognizing the person as a good, we then desire that good for ourselves. We want to have that good for ourselves. How is this different from selfishness? Desire for love and to ‘possess’ the object of love, is not a selfish response. On the other hand, the desire to have that person in our life, as our own, is a direct acknowledgement and acceptance of the truth that we are incomplete on our own, that we are incapable of living in confinement or without companionship. By this desire, we are acknowledging our dependence on another, in order to attain fullness ourself. Of course, when we say that it is our nature to live in companionship, we do not mean, that a single person or priests or monks are then, going against this nature. On the contrary, priests and monks live in companionship of God himself or a greater community (i.e a parish). A single person can still live in companionship of a community. Love as desire is also an indication of our innate desire to have what is good and fruitful. It is an indication of the desire for the ultimate good already inscribed in our souls, a desire for God.

c. Love as goodwill.

As much as I desire her/him for myself, above that, I desire what is good for him/her. I will choose what is good for her, above what is good for me. Here is where, the act of will plays a great role to mature love to its fuller form. Love as attraction and love as desire do not suffice for love to ripen to its true, fullest form. It would require a significant input from the person, by the act of will. What differentiates a human person from an animal?It is the gift of will. Animals have instinct, so do humans. However, the reason why a human person is not subjected to the whims and fancies of instincts is the gift of reason and will that God gave to us. Love can only take on its truest form when Man use one of God’s greatest gift to humankind, the will to perfect love. Regardless of my own inclinations, or weaknesses, or legitimate or illegitimate desires, I will always, by the act of will, choose what is good for my lover, above what is good for me. Perhaps, this is where love starts to become a challenge because it is no longer just something that happens spontaneously, and falls into place perfectly. This is where sacrifice and decisions that may be rather painful to self, need to be made.

And finally,

d. Love as reciprocity.

Love is a bilateral and interpersonal matter. As much as one desires another as a good for themselves and wish to have that good in their lives, above all, he/she would desire that their partner also wishes to share themselves with them. There is a desire, and a need for the love to be reciprocated. Reciprocity is the very nature of love. Why?Because love is not just about my love for you, or your love for me but it is about our love for each other and the desire for this “two” love to be unified and become one. Love can only attain its fullest form when there is reciprocity and union, when that two individual love, by the act of will and self-giving, then unifies and becomes one and bears good fruit. That is the fullest form of love attainable on earth.

And some reflection on a not-so related question,

What is the difference between eros and lust?

Eros, can be translated to erotic love and refers to the passionate mutual exchange of love between a man and woman. Eros is the love that desires for unification with the other that represents good for self. Eros is a gift. It is a gift that must be used to bear good fruit. All gifts are good and from God. However, they have the potential to be used according to man’s will, to bear either good fruits or bad. Similarly, sexual urge and eros, on their own, are gifts, good gifts. However, the fruits of these gifts will dependent on our actions and will. For example, intelligence, on its own, is a good gift. However, it can be used to bear bad fruits (fraud, robbery, forgery etc) or good fruits (scientific discoveries, education, improvement in standards of living etc). How does eros realize its fullest potential as a good gift? When it is infused with agape (unconditional, self-giving, God’s love). When eros infuses itself with agape, then does it attain its truest purpose. In Eros, the person is the end.

Lust is a serious and ugly distortion of love. It is not self-giving but self-seeking and the person and his value are reduced to merely being a means to achieve an end, which is often pleasure or self-gratification. In lust, the human person is objectified (viewed as an object that has the potential of conferring pleasure) and are used either physically, psychologically or mentally to achieve that end. This degrades and pollutes the value and sanctity of the person. Lust, though easy to be confused with Eros due to the similar characteristic of passion, is far from eros and a grave distortion of Eros. Lust is neither capable of infusion with agape nor of bearing good fruits.

Of course, I am not saying that love needs to acquire its fullest form before two people get into a relationship. I am saying that when two people are in a relationship, the fullest and truest form of love should always be the end we're working towards. and anyway, love is not a thing, or an event, it is an ongoing process. So, let's embrace the journey!

All in all, love requires a constant and consistent act of will, that can be challenging. It is not always easy, neither does it grow spontaneous. It requires a lot of hardwork and most of the time, it has very little to do with what we 'feel'. It may not always be pleasant, because it requires self-sacrifice and making choices that though good but not necessarily give happiness (Atleast not short-term).

So, here's to learning to love. If we can work so hard for so many other things in life (money, career, education, goals, dreams etc), why can't we work hard for that one thing we yearn so much in life, love?

Happy loving and learning to love.

Well, the past week or so has been more of a challenge for me. Perhaps, it was post-Christmas depression. In the week that I should and must have been filled with joy, I was filled with a sense of desolation, despair, discouraged, like nothing mattered. Perhaps it was the effect leaving family and home after spending 10 days with them. Perhaps, it was the realisation that regardless of the friends or the family, I was back to being alone (and perhaps the fear that this may be the reality for many more years to come, or forever escalated the depression). I am but an ordinary human person.

I suppose, the past year or two seem to have been such a waste (though this is absolutely untrue and was just a result of my skewed vision), with no progress, with efforts being wasted, with uncertainty being my most loyal companion, with failures to let go of attachments, for frustration resulting from desire for companionship vagera vagera (which means etc in hindi. :P)

I felt hope was slipping out of my hands and the sense of purpose was beginning to fade away. It took me a while to regain hope and redirect my vision to the Truth. But it is finally here, and hence the first post.

And it is not really an inspirational post. It is simply a post about me.

10 things you would have never known or guessed about me

1. 1. I am a lame rebel. The closest I got to rebelling when the man (who was an Indian) I loved didn’t have the courage to tell me he didn’t feel the same, and blamed it on his parents who will never agree to dating a girl of a different religion, and then went on to get into a relationship with a another girl, and didn’t even have the decency to tell me so, to whose girlfriend, I continued to show care, love and encouragement because she didn’t believe she was good enough for him, was to stop using my hands to eat and switched to cutleries. Don’t get it? That’s how lame a rebel I am. You see, I (mis)concluded that the reason he didn’t/couldn’t reciprocate my love was because I wasn’t an Indian girl enough for him. So, I reacted by rebelling by stopping to be any Indian, which to me, was to switch to cutleries when eating. Yes, sometimes, I am a real joke. That was the only way I would allow myself to rebel publicly to express the anger, frustration and pain I felt on the way he handled the situation. I wasn’t as upset with the fact that he didn’t love me as I was with the fact he didn’t have the courage and decency to be honest with me about it. Lame. I know already. That was about 4 years back. Have grown up since. Atleast I think I have.

2. 2. Though sensibility, practicality, reasoning, logic, intelligence and/or wisdom seem to be key characteristics of mine, as described by others, these qualities seem to just mysteriously disappear when it comes to matters of love. I am an overly optimistic, uncompromisingly ambitious (not on the type of man, but on the values that relationship should stand by), never giving up, pathetically unconditionally, unreasonably giving and frustratingly hopeful when it comes to loving. I’m starting to feel it’s a disorder.

3. 3. I am an introvert. You didn’t know that, did you? Although I can be hyper and mad and energetic and optimistic and enthusiastic and bubbly, I am more comfortable being an introvert. I love spending quiet times just reading, walking or just listening to people. I really do. I enjoy silence very much. Expressing myself verbally is an ardent challenge for me and making conversations with people isn’t as easy. I always make the effort to get to know the strangers and the new people I meet because I believe God has placed them there in my life for a reason and I never want to miss out on that gift. Greedy, I must say.

4. 4. As a teen, I was difficult, temperamental, rude and angry. I hated my mother for forcing me to do many things I hated. I was always quick to throw a tantrum. I had a sharp tongue which I’ve used to hurt, especially, my mom. I am not at all, proud of it. I regret it entirely. It is one of those things I am very ashamed of in my life. Transformation came slowly when I was approaching 16 years of age, through the sacrament of confirmation. No kidding. So much has changed since. Relationship with parents has been very blessed. Worked past our past hurts. And have learned to express our love for each other since. Thank you God.

5. 5. I am a dreamer. Literally. I dream A LOT. Almost every time I sleep. I’m always dreaming. There’s almost always friends and families involved. When I was younger, I used to dream that I am saving the world from evil forces. I am always trying relocate people to safety, hide them if necessary. I am always running in my dreams from the bad guys. Though, I don’t dream of saving in such big scales nowadays, I still do dream of saving my friends and families from the trouble, or pain or discouragement they are experiencing. I still do dream of reaching out and helping them in the most ordinary and simplistic way I can think of. Have I dreamt of being saved by someone else? Yes, a particular friend, and very often, my father. I love my dad. He is the most courageous, self-sacrificial man I know.

Write 5 first lar, uh? Because I can't think of the others yet.

And finally, the quote that I came across that I loved,

"Sometimes the world asks us to fight for things we do not understand and whose significance we may never discover. But we always know when some rules need to be broken." Paulo Coelho