List 10 things that you want for your birthday, doesn't matter whether the things that you want is possible or impossible to get.

My birthday is coming up... soon...
so.... hmmm..... :P
God, pls note...

1. A scholarship to do my phD in Sydney
2. A car (peugeot or honda)
3. RM5000 cash money
4. Dinner with friends and family
5. Lotsa food, all kinds, i mean raw food material for me to cook... A fridge and cupboard with neverending raw food... :D
6. A beautiful dress
7. Salsa (or anything else awesome) dancing lessons
8. An offer to publish a book... hehehehe...
9. A real date
10. A trip to Venice


People that I tag: Anybody who wants to do this... :D

I have got super-sensory system. Though my eyes may have failed me when I was just a child, my other sensory systems’ potential has been fully explored... My ears have a threshold level of 0 dB which is extremely good and my nose is capable of smelling food miles away and my tongue is capable of distinguishing the different mini-ingredients present in a broth. Okay, I am exaggerating but we all know some bit of exaggeration is really good for the soul.

My brain works super-sonic fast too. I have a subconscious mind that is stronger than the conscious mind. Confused already? Well, the conscious mind is the one that is consciously performing tasks, getting things done. The subconscious mind is the one that understands the reasons behind your actions, emotions, fear even if you don’t really do. The subconscious mind is the one that leads your feet to your office every morning without you having to make a conscious effort to.

Okay, I’m rambling. I don’t really ramble on my blog but I just needed to get rid of the extra energy that is pent up in me because I am not too good at sitting stationary in front of the computer 8 to 5.

Okay, I’m also rambling because I haven’t had a good conversation for some time. Weirdly, having a good conversation to me doesn’t necessarily have to be me and somebody(anybody), talking beyond the superficial. A good conversation can also be me just listening to someone else sharing with me something beyond superficial. A conversation doesn’t have to be 2 people talking. It can be one person talking while the other listens. As long as there is effective communication which clearly involves one person talking while the other listens and vice versa (when necessary), then there is bound to be good conversation.

I think this is a really good piece of rambling. Maybe I should ramble more. On second thoughts, perhaps not.

Such a fascinating element. Essentially it’s all things good, pure and innocent, yet it possesses the potential to be distorted, manipulated and misused.

To tell you the truth, I used to hate Beauty. I felt that people are too often unjustly measured by it. There is an ideal belief where everyone is Beautiful but to people, somehow, that ideal belief is only meant to be spoken, not to be practised or believed.

I used to hate dressing up because I didn’t want to look ‘beautiful’ for others and give them the opportunity to judge or evaluate me. I enjoyed provoking elders’ comments on my lack of feminineness and my lack of accessories (Indians think that all Indian girls should wear some amount of gold to be considered representable).

Over time, growing up, I learned to appreciate Beauty.

Don’t get me wrong. I have learned to appreciate Beauty in its essential pure form, not in the form the world seemed to be obsessed with.

The belief that everyone is Beautiful, is a truth and a fact. It is not just an utopian idea that is virtually impossible.

What is even more disturbing is how we have learnt to partition beauty.
To many, the term ‘everyone is Beautiful’ can only be applied when one sees inner beauty and not when one is also considering physical beauty. It surprises me how almost everybody is convinced that there are criteria for physical beauty and if you don’t have physical features that meet those criteria then they are not physically beautiful. Then, we go on to justify our shallowness by stating that ‘You are beautiful inside’ (even if you may not possess physical beauty). We seem to be caught in our own world, believing that not everybody is physically beautiful, simply because we are contented with our shallowness and don’t see that the problem is in our vision and perspective and not on the person being viewed or evaluated.

Everyone is beautiful. Truly and sincerely, I believe in that. Everyone is beautiful, inside and out. Everyone looks perfect in their own way. It is up to the eye to recognise that. Everybody’s eyes, nose, lips, face is beautiful beyond words. All we need to do is to learn to see that. Many things are present and exist but we fail to see it because we are clouded by our own delusions and misconceptions.

“The representation of female beauty does not usually focus on the face in which the feelings and thoughts—in a word, the soul—of the woman are so clearly manifested, but focuses instead on other parts of the body, always the same parts. There are no more “Mona Lisa’s” in art, and at this point it seems doubtful that there will be any in the future.” Excerpt from an article from Word Among Us, June 2009

I found the quote above to be so accurate. One’s beauty is clearly reflected in the face, where one’s expression, joy, passion, excitement, compassion is visualised and yet we fail to recognise it. Beauty in the face here does not mean high cheek bones, full lips, big eyes, long eye lashes. Not at all. That is the shallow, restricted idea of Beauty that the world has made us believe in. Beauty in the face is the sincerity, purity, love that is all clearly reflected in the face.

Now, we are obsessed with hot bodies, sexiness and ‘sophisticated/elegant’ face. We want a ‘hot’, ‘attractive’ partner that we can parade to others.

Just try it once (then again, and again and again. :)). See the physical beauty that is in the people around us. It’s there. We just need to learn to see it.

Just yesterday, I was having dinner with some people I know. Acquaintances I shall call them. A women in her 20’s with her partner walked past us and one of my acquaintances passed a comment, stating how her skirt doesn’t match her top. How she would have looked better if she wore a white top instead of black. To be honest, I didn’t see anything wrong with what she wore. She wasn’t even close to a fashion disaster. I was taken aback by the comment and expressed my fear over being judged by some other stranger who may have been evaluating my fashion sense similarly. Her reply to my statement was, “Well, You are what you wear after all”. She was convinced that it is irrefutably true.

Wow! What amazing method of defining characters. I don’t blame her. She was just stating what she was told. Unfortunately, she couldn’t see beyond that.

Somehow, we have come to believe that we now possess the position to judge others, to tell them what a fashion disaster they are, or what would have looked better on them. I don’t know where we get those ridiculous ideas from. Helping your friend choose what looks good on them is somewhat acceptable but evaluating the fashion sense of people we barely know reflects our sense of superiority on others. It is disturbing and frustrating.

Firstly, in my opinion, we don’t possess any right at all to comment on a person’s fashion sense, what more someone we hardly even know.

Secondly, we should ashamed to say that ‘We are what we wear’. How could we have allowed the world to convince us that a person should be judged by what they wear? How could we be stupid and shallow enough to think that a person’s fashion sense defines his/her character.

Unbelievable.

Read any fashion magazine and you will see tons of fashion tips and how to dress ‘right’. If everybody follows those tips, then we would probably all look alike. To come to think of it, look around, 70-80% of us dress alike. Especially those are trend followers. In this case then, wouldn’t we all have the same personality and character since we do dress alike? I mean if ‘we are what we wear’, then we are all the ‘same’?

Tragic, ridiculous, sad, frustrating and completely untrue.

It is time that we become aware of what truly is right and what is ‘portrayed’ to be right. It is time to stop allowing external factors distort the truth.

I just finished reading 19 minutes by Jodi Piccoult and it truly was a startling read. It left me feeling a combination of the weirdest feelings. It left me feeling lost, in disbelief, wondering, empty, trapped, and speechless.

I am not going to give a synopsis of the book. If you are interested, you can check it out. I will share what questions it made me ask myself when I finished it.

I wondered if bullying was really such a common thing in American schools.

I wondered if a typical American school really does have such stereotypical groups of people i.e jocks, nerd, cheerleaders, geeks etc.

I wondered how much would someone give to be accepted by his/her peers.

I wondered how much would one do or sacrifice to be part of the popular kids in school.

I wondered which group I would have been a part of if fate had it for me to grow up in USA.

I wondered if I would have been part of the geeks, the cheerleaders or the popular bitchy ones
because I think I can fit into all of the above.

I wondered if I would have lost my virginity at the age of 15 if I grew up in USA and not have given love as much respect as I do now.

I wondered how many boyfriends I would have had by the time I turned 22.

I wondered if I would have had any abortion. I wondered if my parents would have been divorced.

I wondered if I would have loved the way I did. If I would have given the way I did.

I wondered if I would have turned a completely different person.

I am glad I had Him to help me the make the choices I made.

I’m spiralling down the web of confusion,
I’m drowning in turmoil of emotion,
Uncertainties, questions, pain,

I am lost, I am running,
I want it all to stop.

I am losing, I am stuck,
I am stagnant, and without hope.

I am breaking, and yet I am held together.
I am trying, and yet I am not moving.

Sometimes, I wish time stops at this precise moment,
Sometimes, I wish I knew where I should head,
Sometimes, I wish I stopped.
Sometimes, I wish that I cease existing,
Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t so pathetic.

I realised that my previous post of recapping my life 22 years ago seems to have subconsciously omitted some very important part of my life.

So, here is my conscious effort setting that right.

12- 16 years old
I became involved with a church youth group, Junior Youths and youth programme ran by the youth group under PDYN, The Persons' Are Gifts programme. This programme is extremely instrumental to who i am today. Jonathan Yap was my youth leader when i became involved in the group and he played a pivotal role in shaping me into the kind of leader i am today. He thought me a great deal about being leader, about supporting your leader, about making ethical, right decision, about sacrifices, about not falling into peer pressure. Helena Michael thought me asbout commitment. Ezekiel Raj thought me about flexibility, and second chances. I must say 70% of who i am today is because of what i experience during my time with this group. For that,i am truly grateful



Con't from previous post...


17-18 years old
This period was one of the best times in life, Form 6! Many things happened and shook my world and shaped me into better person. A close friend lost her mother, my honesty came back to bite me, friends moved away to do their degree and pursue their dreams (Temme, Rani, Zaharah and a lot more), and i decided to do something i never even considered before, Form 6!!
Muna, Rohene, Aggie and Feli, became the famous foursome in school. We did many crazy hings together. Go hiking with a 6 year-old trail book (obviously we got lost) and learn how the difference in our characters truly complement each other without antagonising each other. We did many projects together, got locked in school building together so we climbed the tree to get out, get chased my monkeys, got bitten by wild boar ticks (all were affected but me!! because i didn't go hiking that time with them. hehe. Lucky me!). We became bound to each other, which is pretty cool actually because it felt like this is the friendship that is going to last a lifetime. We had ideas of opening a bakery together when we retire because muna was so good at baking and we were good at being critiques. hahaha.

19-21+ years old
The three years in university brought me to greater heights, not in terms of academic achievements but personal development. I have changed tremendously and i am thankful that they have been positive changes. I've touched lives, hopefully. I realised the power that has been bestowed within me, within all of us and have learned how we can use that power to make a difference, a lot of difference. I learned to take risks, i learned to give my all in everything i do, i learned to love myself and use the power of optimism, i learned to have faith and to persevere even when circumstances may indicate otherwise, i learnt to forgive, to lay back and relax, i learned to let go, of pride, of insecurities, of failures, i learnt to give, to love, and to receive. I learned to give Him what He truly deserves, although i may fail now and then. I learned to hold on and to keep in touch. I learned to be happy, to be truly happy, 300% happy. Now, i'm looking forward to the future.