I always wanted a chance to give a thank you speech or a goodbye speech, like the ones you see celebrities give when they receive their awards…

I guess there are always things that I wanted to tell people or share with people but never had the chance or occasion to do it, maybe it’s more like I never could find the courage to do it.

Maybe, that is why I enjoy blogging… it is where I write all those unspoken thoughts, my opinions on general life and all that revolves around it, and on people and how they do what they do.

Always wanted to thank a friend for hurting me, more than he could have possibly imagined and for letting me go, because I felt, through him, I learned the kind of person I never want to be and the kind of person I want to be. Through him, I learned how to appreciate friends around me and the importance of honesty.

I appreciate others, I know but why do I always put them before myself?

I have always wondered why I am drawn to listen to what others have to say and how they feel. Why do I want to understand what they are going through? Why am I drawn to help these people in the little way that I can, even when there were times where helping them meant hurting myself? Even if it was someone I wasn’t too fond of. No, I’m no hypocrite, if that’s what you thought. Why do I observe silence when it comes to expressing hurt and dissatisfaction and pretend that I am ok to give more than I receive? I’ve even asked myself if I was just a masochist. Do I just enjoy inflicting pain upon myself?

No, I’m no saint. I’ve come to realise that what I do is no act of self-sacrificing, as I used to think. Nope. None of that. I am not an angel. At the end of the day, I help them for selfish reasons too.

When I see someone in trouble or confusion, or in loneliness or helpless and lost, or restricted and all bottled up, I feel what they feel because I see myself in them. I see a lost Feli, a Feli who was once or still is lonely, a Feli who is searching, a Feli who wants a friend who loves, a Feli who looks for answers and liberation from entanglements of life, a Feli who was once so afraid to show how she truly feels, and maybe still is.

I help others get out of that, because then, I feel like I’ve helped myself. Ironically, the problems I help people get out of, may still be/are problems that bog me down. I help people believe in themselves, so that, someday I may believe in myself. I help people express their grief, disappointment, anger, loneliness, so that when they feel lighter after letting it all out, I can convince myself that someday I might/can do the same. I help people see how beautiful they are and how more beautiful they can be, so that someday I would believe that I am too. I help people feel they have a friend, a confidante, a listening ear and an understanding, accepting friend in me, so that I can continue to hope that someday, I’ll find one too…

At the end of the day, it was/is still about me. I help others to help myself. It’s my form of therapy and it is the most effective kind. Nothing works better for me than a visit to Agathians’ Shelter because they make me believe that I can be something good when all else point otherwise. Despite my weaknesses, my limitations, my sinfulness, my mistakes, the children there make me believe that I have some good left in me. And when others may forget or fail to see it, they are living proof that it’s there….somewhere…

p.s see, this is why love blogs again... how could i have told anyone that i help others so that i can help myself. imagine the reaction..... :P