It has been quite a while since I last posted. Not that nothing has been happening in my life. I had so much happening in my life but couldn’t find the words nor the courage to put it down in words, what more to post it here in my blog. My life has been transforming beautifully, profoundly but the change has also been spiritual that I didn’t know if people were ready to read about it.

My friends know me as the eccentric person, who has a lot of energy, who gets involved in many projects, charitable and academic-based, someone who has very different set of opinions, and sometimes those opinions and principles are not easy to follow-by. My close friends know me as the girl with many thoughts, she is quirky, witty, and a little crazy but at the same time, they know me as a girl whose heart is not as sturdy as it looks, who can get hurt, and has cried. They know me as a strong person who deserves the best in life (I did not come up with this, yar. These are what others tell me, k? :P). There are also close friends who are very aware of my weaknesses such as my pride and thankfully, despite that they still are friends with me. These are all my external character.

One person knows my internal character. Internally, I am a person who yearns, yearns for an opportunity to love and to be loved in return. Internally, I am a broken person, whose confidence hangs by a thread. Internally, I do not believe that I am worthy of love and I back it up with all the evidences of rejections that I have. Internally, I do not let people into my true feelings because I was always afraid if they knew me inside out, that they wouldn’t like me anymore, that I would lose the friends I have and this image that others have of me. I was afraid that if people knew me completely then I would be even lonelier than I am now. Internally, I have been plagued by loneliness, the moment I stepped into university. Do not get me wrong. I am not a depressed child. I have had great moments of happiness, and joy, little moments that felt like I was right where I belong. These were the smaller stories that helped me get through 3 years in uni. However, those smaller stories were also the ones that kept me away from my bigger story of loneliness and unworthiness that I very often felt. Internally, I was so incomplete and I kept looking for friends, new relationships with the people around me, new families, new hobbies, new projects, new ministries that I could serve through to fill up that emptiness. The one and only person who knew my internal character, was my Father, in Heaven.

People have told me before that the only person who can fill up that emptiness was my Creator. I understood it and I accepted it but I didn’t believe in it. My justification: I’ve had, what I would call a proper relationship with God, since I was 14 years old. I was involved in youth ministry. I could lead beautiful praise and worships. I obeyed His commandments. I loved those around me as He asked me to. In university, I was involved with underprivileged children. I inspired and helped those around me. I’ve almost always put the need of others above mine. I worked on my prayer life and made sure I spent time reading the Bible daily. I did everything I could to do His will and whatever I felt He was asking me to. He has blessed me AMPLY, truly ABUNDANTLY and yet I felt empty. Even after I have done everything I could to be a good Christian and His follower, I still felt empty inside. Something was still missing.

If God was the only one who could fill up the void in me, how was it that I still felt so empty despite having so much of Him in my life? I mean, almost every aspect of my life was done for Him, according to His will and yet I was empty.

And so I looked for answers to help me fill up that void. I kept getting involved in more and more things. I kept giving more because I thought that maybe then I would be worthy to receive that something that would eventually fill-up that void in me. I felt that maybe God is holding back that ‘something’ because something in me was not right yet and He needs to correct it before I was given that ‘something’.

It took me a long journey and a lot of reading, reflecting and listening to His voice, His messages that I finally came to believe what ‘only He could fill up the emptiness in me’ meant. I have learnt, have come to understand and truly believe that yearning for something is the yearning for a love so grand and beautiful that every part of me is fulfilled with love that brings ecstasy to my soul. I yearn for a union that is so pure and completing, that when it happens I know this is what I was created for. I yearned for love and a love story that was an epitome of true love that was filled with genuineness and simplicity and honesty. I yearned for a love that was not utilitarianism in nature but that was truly selfless. Such grand love, I realized only much later, is definitely possible, but only when the Creation (aka me) meets the Creator, either during His second coming or after my death. This love I yearn for, this emptiness I feel can only be filled by Him because only He is capable of loving me in such a way. This union that is suppose to leave me with ecstasy [Not just those brief moments of orgasm sexual union allows us to experience. Orgasm is just a little glimpse of the greater union, the Grand Romance our soul (aka Beloved) would experience when we meet the Creator (aka Lover). This is what I believe in. It doesn’t have to be what you believe in.] and highness enveloped in love beyond description, beyond this world.

Unfortunately, this union is not possible here on earth for a reason as simple as that my being on earth is still one that is tainted with sin and my life here on earth is still one of the fallen nature. And so I can do all I want to fill my emptiness with false lovers here on earth like my work, my career, my hobbies, my relationships, shopping, food, whatever that may come to my mind as ‘therapy’ but those false lovers can only satiate me temporarily. Then I would be prowling again looking for that something in something else hoping to fill up my void. What I would need to remind myself time and again is that emptiness cannot be filled here, now on earth. Whether I like the answer or not, it cannot be done. I am not being pessismistic. I am being honest. That void is to be filled only by my Grand Divine Lover, and for that day of union I will wait eagerly and I will live this life on earth in the most appreciative way I can. I will fall in love with those around me. I will love a man with everything i've got. I will marry him and have children and try to be the best kind of wife and mother I can be. I will serve my God with all my heart. I will use the gifts, spiritual and human, that He has given me to build the people around me. But I will not, I must never try to replace my yearning for Him for anything less than Him.

That would be adultery. Literally. That part of me is for Him and Him only.

p.s I know this is a very long post. Some may even think that I am gone a little out of mind, a little out of logic. Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, this is me and it is real. How do you deny your Lover? I can’t.