Sometimes, I find myself doing things I don't want to do, saying things I don't normally say.
Sometimes, I find myself being someone else than who I really want to be deep inside.
Very often I fear to do or say the things I really want to because I fear that I may be sidelined as being (too) different. As hard as it is for me to admit, I’ve so often wished to be just like everybody else. I wanted to be normal, ordinary, typical. I feared that if I allowed myself to explore the things that interest me, that if I went after my heart’s desire, I may become too different from the rest around me, and hence I would lose the sense of belonging I have, the friends who can relate to me. That when those close to me can no longer relate to me, I would no longer have the kind of friendship I have with them. So, I hold myself back from really growing.
Although I try very hard at the conscious level to not make decisions just to please others, win the favour of others or to impress others, I must say subconsciously my fear of image (what would others think) manifests itself in many forms. I have been made aware of the many small decisions I make because of my fear of image that I felt disheartened, troubled and disturbed by the directions in which I am heading.
So, I sat down and shared my struggled with one of the priest I know and he told something that was rather obvious and yet something I seem to have missed.
He said my actions reflected more of my low self esteem than it does of my fear of being different or disliked. He felt that my low sense of worth may have been driving me to do things to obtain the favour of others. That I view myself as someone unworthy of love, unworthy of many good things and so, I respond by taking actions in order to not lose the little favour that I have from those I love.
I sought and worked towards holiness and a closer relationship with God because I believed that maybe then I would be worthy. I viewed myself to be empty and worthless unless Christ is present within me and so I work hard to get there. What I completely overlooked is that my worthiness does not come from my actions nor my relationship with God. That my worthiness for the good things in life came from a simple fact that God created me, and not only that, He created me in His image and that He loves me. What else do I need to remind myself of the worthiness I have been created with? I am made worthy by His love and grace and not by my actions or disposition.
My biggest struggle is in receiving and it is not because I am independent or feel strong on my own. It is because I feel unworthy to receive, especially from God that I am selective about what I receive. I hold myself back from receiving love, because I do not feel worthy of it, because I feel there is something inherently wrong and bad about me, that I do not feel I am worthy of your time or investment.
So, today I learned that the one thing I need to do more in my life is not really to give love, but to learn to receive it first by seeing that I am worthy of love and the good things in life because I am a creation of God and that’s all it takes.
Dear Lord, teach this heart to receive, and to view myself in the light with which You view me.
