Interesting, I must say… I never quite dwelled on this till lately. Me, being quite a conservative, I never agreed with pre-marital sex. Obviously that was initially because I am Christian but later on, looking at the contemporary and the same time, the spiritual aspect of it, I was convinced that pre-marital sex was a ‘No-no’. There was a time that I didn’t find anything wrong with pre-marital sex. I wanted to be flexible, adaptive, democratic, to the freedom of choice. Anyhow, our consciences do differ.

But having learnt and understood the gift of sex and what it entails, it was difficult to be okay with pre-marital sex. Sex, as I view it (and maybe other Christians too) is not just something physical or emotional. It is more spiritual than anything else. It truly involves the union of two souls, bodies to become one. Sex, is the gift of God to us, to express love and to enjoy its fruitfulness. It enables for two persons to connect more than just in the mind, or in the heart. It enables two persons to connect at the soul level, spiritually.

It involves the total giving of self. It involves vulnerability, intimacy, sincerity, honesty, beauty, and above all this, Love. I cannot bring myself to agree with pre-marital sex because it is union without commitment and responsibility. A commitment made before God, who gave the gift of sex in the first place. So, sex without marriage (aka commitment before God), is already incomplete.

What more the issue of sexual incompatibility. The issue of sexual incompatibility that is being raised now, is even more disturbing to me because it is suggesting that you may love someone but you may be sexually incompatible with him/her. Hence, the need to test sexual compatibilities first, before marriage. Sex is a gift to couples who love each other and have made commitment to each other before God. But right now, we are trying to separate the two, where instead of sex being of a gift of love, it is becoming a factor for love. It is becoming more of ‘if we’re sexually compatible, then I can love you’ than ‘because I love you and am committed to you, I want to share the gift of sex with you.’

What is even worse is when one wants to test sexual compatibilities first before falling in love. It is a complete reversal of the fundamentality of love. Love resulting in the gift of sex has been topsy-turvied. Sex first, then we’ll decide on the love part of it. In my view, it is desecration of love.

It has come to a point where the so-called sexual compatibilities can be tested with mere strangers and there isn’t a need for love to be present in the relationship. How can I say that this ok? One compromise on love, and look at where we are. If we love someone, then we love him/her as who he is, all in all. If after marriage, the couple feels sexually incompatible, then work past it. Discuss it. Talk about it. Improvise. If there are certain sexual acts or postures our partner is dead uncomfortable with, then, is it not only right to find ways where both are happy with?

I don’t know if you believe in it, but I do. That love is unconditional, and that it puts what’s good for the other above self (and No, abuse is NOT included). Sex is the gift of love and not the other way round. There are certain things I cannot compromise, and this is definitely one of it.