Desires
Danielle

I wrote this in June 2010 but never published it in my blog. I just read it again and realised how some things haven't changed, and yet some have. It's almost 3 years since I wrote it but my prayers haven't changed, my desires haven't changed. In fact, the bible verses I've quoted here, have subconsciously become the most resounding and closest bible verses to my heart. I have come to learn that the desires (those legitimate, just and pure ones) in our hearts, it is the Lord who places them there in the first place. and if those desires persist over many many years with the same intensity, or even grows to greater intensity, then the Lord is guarding, nurturing and purifying those desires, preparing us to receive it one day. In that, I have full confidence and faith in My Lord, God.


 "Ever since I understood what love was, I had always yearned to experience it with all my heart. I loved the sensitivity and intimacy I imagined would be experienced between a man and woman truly in love. I yearned for that same intimacy and sensitivity. God helped me to understand that love was selfless, that it goes beyond what I want, that it involved a lot of work, responsibility, and commitment.

He taught me that love was not a feeling that can fade away with time. Love was an action, a verb, a choice. It involved giving of one's self fully, freely, faithfully and fruitfully. The absence of any of these elements in a relationship of love makes it irrevocably incomplete. Knowing all these made me desire that experience, that relationship even more. I felt that now that I knew the theory, I wanted to get into the practical.

I saw it as an educational process. I wanted to put into practice what I had learned. I yearned for a relationship with the other half where everything I have learned can be put into practice. By now, I am sure you can already guess what the contents of my prayers were. Fervently, diligently, persistently I prayed and asked for God to unite me with the man that He has chosen for me that I can put all these that I have learned into practice. Bible verses such Matt 7:7-8 ("Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and the one who knocks, the door will be opened."), John 14:13-14 ("And whatever you ask in my name, I will do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything of me in my name, I will do it.") and James 1:6 ("But he should ask in faith, not doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed about by the wind.") gave me encouragement to continue asking God, believing that He will, one day, grant me my prayers. Some would say that what I did was out of faith. To me, what I did was out of disillusioned faith. limited faith, that did not see beyond the vantage point.

When no man came into my life (no one I could see myself sharing my life with), I couldn’t understand why God did not want to grant me my prayers. I kept wondering what I was still doing wrong that I needed to rectify, before God could answer my prayer. Is He telling me that I am not ready? Or is he telling me that the time is not right? Is the one He has for me not ready yet? I could spend hours, days, weeks pondering on this and I would find no answer that could satisfy me. I tried to keep my faith in God but some days, I would just sink into the pit hole in despair and misery thinking that maybe, just maybe I am not (yet) deserving to experience such a love.

I would think of all the unrequited love and I would fall into depression thinking of the lack of love in my life. It took me ages and one Bible verse to help me see that God had answered my prayers long before I even asked for it. One day, as I was reading, this verse hit right at me, piercing me. M a r k 1 0 : 5 1 "What do you want Me to do for you?" I felt like Jesus was asking me what I wanted Him to do for me. And the first thought that came to my mind was
 “Isn’t it obvious? I’ve asked You for it a gazillion of times. Why have You not answered me yet?” 

 He said, “That is what your words are asking for. What do YOU want me to do for you?” 

 I didn’t understand it at first. I thought to myself, 
“This is crazy. You know exactly what I want you to do for me. Why are You asking me again?” 

He replied, “I know exactly what you are asking me to do for you. But do you?” 

 I took a step back and just wanted to think about it. Something in me unravelled the mystery to me.

“I know what is in your heart. I know what you truly desire. I see beyond your words, into your heart, mind and spirit. You asked me for Love. You asked me to give you an opportunity to experience love in its most selfless, purest, intoxicating, complete, out-of-the-world form. So, I gave you Me, I gave you all of Me, all of My attention, all of My time, all of My blessings, all of My love. I gave you My life. I answered your prayers long before you knew it. You just never saw it.”

I remained silent. I was trying to process what I had just heard. It took me a while to understand and accept what He was telling me.

As much as I wanted a relationship between a man and a woman, the true reason why I even desired it was because I believed that it was this relationship that would allow me to experience love in one of its greatest form. What my heart truly desired was to experience love, to give and receive love in its most beautiful, purest, complete form. That is what I wanted to experience through the relationship that I was fervently asking God for. My prayers were answered long before I even realised it.

God saw beyond my words, into my heart, and knew exactly what I truly desired. He granted me my prayers. Not in the form I expected Him to but exactly in the form I wanted Him to. He gave me what my heart truly desired and not what I thought I wanted. And that was more than enough of a prayer answered for me.

Do you have prayers that have not been answered? Or have they been answered but you just have yet to recognise it?
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For the future of my country
Danielle
I can finally understand how one eventually gives up on their nation and decides to leave it for another country. Talk to many Malaysians abroad and you will find out that (atleast) most of them, still miss many good things about Malaysia. They still talk about the beauty of diversity and culture in Malaysia. You will come to see that they do not think that the country that they are currently living in is perfect or far superior to Malaysia. What they did get in that country, which they were denied in Malaysia, was equal rights and rightful treatment as a citizen. They were treated to merit-based opportunity in their new foreign country, in which most of them have yet to become citizens. Perhaps many have acquired permanent residentship, some may not have even acquired that yet, but they were still given equal opportunities based on merit. Most people decide not to return to Malaysia after being abroad mainly for this reason.

They receive better treatment in a country where they are not even citizens, than in the country of their citizenship. Many of us back home are often quick to jump and call them traitors. Well, perhaps we need empathy to objectively evaluate the situation and then we will realise what a sad state Malaysia is in now, and the rakyat who chose to leave Malaysia are not to be blamed.

It is extremely painful and challenging to read the papers, mainstream and alternatives, because it leaves one with this immense sense of hopelessness. Sometimes, the sorry state Malaysia is in seems irreversible. One can’t help but feel helpless, like there was nothing they could do to improve the state of this country that they truly love.

How do you cope with being called an immigrant in your own country after your ancestors were granted citizenship? How do you cope seeing your country’s prominent ex-leader state that immigrants (which is a far cry from the rightful term, citizen) are guests in the country until they have completely abandoned their mother tongues and cultures and absolved the culture and language of their country of residence? How do you cope when your peers, equally educated as you, agree with that statement? How do you cope with seeing your country’s current leader make a joke of the people who were mistreated by the police in a peaceful rally for free and fair election? How do you really cope? How do you cope knowing that many do not see racism as racism but as a way of merely defending the rights of their people? How do you cope?

Read this history journal (http://www.jstor.org/stable/3035316) and use your critical thinking to ascertain why were the so-called immigrants granted citizenship half a century ago. If they are really immigrants and will continue to be so, as they were not originally from this land, why grant citizenship to them in the first place? Out of mercy and generosity? Give it a rational thought. The 'immigrants' were granted citizenship because the immigrants, in one way or another, contributed positively to the development of the nation. They needed the numbers (of citizens) to convince the colonist that the country had stability to finally be independent.They needed the numbers to make the public services, the administratives offices and especially to garner a convincing win in the election. 

Did you know that Tun Hussein Onn’s Parti Negara candidates for the 1955 election were made up of a large majority of Malays (32 out of 33 candidates) and yet they did not win? 
Why do you think that was the case? 
Do you not think that the rakyat at that point would have wanted a purely Malay-based government [bear in mind that the majority(84%) of registered voters at that time were Malays]? 

Why then, did the Alliance party consisting of candidates from 3 major races (MCA, MIC, UMNO) win instead?

Because the people then recognised that the country prospered well with cooperation from all the major races. Because they recognised the human dignity and value the ‘immigrants’ possessed which called for equal and kind treatment, not out of mercy, but out of human duty.
Because they recognised, in love for their country, that what was good for the country in the long run, was collaboration and cooperation of all, living in the country.

Then, after the 1955 elections, the constitution (enforced in 1957) granted citizenship to the so-called immigrants. Why?

They granted citizenship to the ‘immigrants’ because they recognised the need for the ‘immigrants’ to make the country whole and truly functional. They did not grant citizenship out of some exclusively altruistic intention to extend mercy and kindness. 

It was largely a practical, political and economical decision. As it always is.

That was more than 50 years ago. 
If you really love your country, then please don’t take every word you hear from biased sources, for its face value. Start thinking critically about what we are being told by the the nation’s leaders. 

Let’s start using our intellect, conscience and maturity to acquire more accurate knowledge on the situation and to make decisions.

For once, let us we stop arguing about who the superior race of the country is and start making decisions for the good of the country for years to come.

If we really do love it and want to salvage it before it goes into the ruins, it is time to do something. 

Elections are coming up. Perhaps we can begin there. ;)
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