It’s been more than a week since I left my betrothed for a strange land called Australia to pursue my PhD.

Hmmm. One may wonder how is it that when one of the, if not the biggest incident in my life happened, I have yet to write anything about it. I know I wondered. In many ways, the incident that took place was so overwhelming that I honestly didn’t know how to respond. I was shocked that it actually happened. I got the scholarship. Against all odds. I am not exaggerating. Although, throughout the entire process of application and pushing and waiting for a scholarship I remained (almost delusionally) optimistic, reality knows that the probability of me getting the scholarship was like, at most, 15%. The scholarships are given to fellow UM staffs, who have yet to complete their Masters or PhD. There is an entire waiting list that the staffs get on, and then they wait for a turn to have a shot at the scholarship. And of course there are quotas involved as well. Some have waited for years on the list to be offered the scholarship.

I was no permanent staff in UM. I have only been a tutor for half a year, and that was not even known when they offered me the scholarship. Though some of my friends feel that it is a well deserved scholarship, I know that it is not true. I am merely a degree holder, and yes I am a first class holder and I can do a direct PhD but so many other students can do that too. In fact, a direct PhD is not really an advantage if you ask me. It means that I have less training in research. I am not the right skin colour. And yet, I got the scholarship. It shocked me, really. I just never really showed it or admitted. I wanted to be so optimistic, that I wasn’t ready to show any signs of doubt, though deep down, I knew this was close to impossible. And yet, it happened.

And that’s why I couldn’t write about it. I couldn’t grasp how is it that God would love me that much, to bless me that abundantly. I think it is more of why would God love me that much? I have nothing to offer. I have nothing good to put on the table, I am full of flaws, and yet God loves me so much that He wants to bless me so ridiculously. I cannot fathom it. I was literally speechless. It was a mystery to me. It still is. And even as I write this, I still can’t come up with a conclusion. It is a dead-end writing. There is nothing I can say that could do justice for the grace that has been bestowed in my life, and the abundance of love that continues to flood and rejuvenate me.

Nothing.