On the issues pertaining abortion. This was the fruit of a discussion I had on facebook with some pro-choice acquaintances. I am sharing it because I learnt so much myself through the discussion.

Claim: A woman has the right to her own body. She is not a baby-making machine and has the right to abort a baby she is not ready for.

Response: A human person has the gift of will to decide. I believe that the man and woman are aware that every time they participate in sexual intercourse, there is always the possibility of a life being formed. If the couple is not ready for a child, then they should practise self-mastery and refrain from sexual intercourse. A baby is a life, and hence abortion can never be anything short of murder. If we define true freedom as the ability to do anything, anytime and anywhere we want to, we are about to find out that we are wrong. If we advocate that true freedom lies in having the ability to make decision, to an extent that it surpasses the obligatory respect for life, then we have been mislead. If one can choose murder (in this case abortion) because one is the master of one's life and this is one's freedom of choice, then one can also choose to murder his/her 10-year-old daughter if the child is perceived to be inhibiting the parent’s growth as an individual. One can also choose to murder his wife, if he finds her an obstacle in his relationship with another woman, whom he has fallen madly in love with, whom he believes hold his key to a meaningful life.

Fortunately for us, value of a life and the due respect does not come with terms and conditions. A murder is a murder regardless of what stage in life it is performed. The value of life is an objective matter. The value of one's life is never dependent on what he does, what skills or talents he has, how good he is, but by the simple fact that he has life. The value of life is neither altered by the actions, the intentions, nor the method through which that life was conceived.

The Catholic church has never supported abortion. This is because we firmly acknowledge that no one life is of greater value than the other. In the case when the unborn child poses a direct fatal threat to the mother, all will be done to save that life, without intending direct harm to the child. If in the process of saving the mother, the child dies, then we know it was not a result of an intention to kill (even if it was to kill in order to save). Everything possible must be done to try to save both the mother’s and child’s life. If during the course of saving their lives, either the child or the mother dies, then, it is in no case an abortion or murder.

I can understand that the decision to not abort can become a very challenging one, especially when one is in a rather painful situation, such as teen pregnancy, rape, economic situation etc. However, do any of these factors reduce the value of that life growing? No. The value of the life growing inside does not decrease based on situations. It is actually a gift that the value of life is an objective thing, unaltered by circumstances. This actually means that regardless of who you are, what you do, where you stay, how much you earn, your value is equal to every other human person on earth. That is equality of persons in its essence.

When we justify murder according to the circumstances, in this case, abortion is justifiable if it was done with a good intention, ( i.e to preserve the child from trauma as she may not receive the support, love and care she deserves, or because the mother is unable to care for the child) then we are implying that the value of life is subjective.

I can actually apply the same principle into a different situation. If as a mother of a 10-year old, I find myself unable to care for the child, to provide for the child, then I can choose to kill the child. If I know I am going to die soon due to some disease etc, then I can choose to kill my child as I will not be able to provide for the child after death, after which she might end up in a orphanage leading a life far from the ideal. Would you agree with the mother who pushed her 5-year old daughter down the apartment to death (i'm sure you read similar cases in the papers) if she knew she was not able to provide for the child, is that action justified? No. Murder, regardless of the situation or condition, remains a murder. The value of a 10-year old child is the same as the one-month old foetus.

It is actually easier to have a moral stance that can be altered according to our convenience. What is difficult is finding the strength to stand by a moral stance, even if the situation is not to our convenience or benefit.

There is a common misconception that pro-lifers are self-righteous, judgemental, stubborn individuals who do not try to understand the situation the woman is in. Again, when we are against abortion, it is not because we feel we have the right to judge. No one does. 'Let the one here who has not sinned cast the first stone'. No one has the right to judge another. But everyone has the responsibility to care and fight for the value of every human life.

And the beautiful thing is, as a church, even as we have our moral stance, we don't impose it on others. We don't advocate punishments to people who did not have the same stance, or people whose actions violated these moral stances. But that does not stop us from being reminders. And as reminders, we're not saying you are doomed to hell because you have supported/performed abortion. We are saying that we love you enough to want to be honest with you. We love you enough to want you to recognise the value of your life, and every life around you.

The different forms and phases in Love, according to JPII

a. Love as attraction.

Attraction is a form of love, the most basic and preliminary of its kind. Attraction can be viewed as manifestation of a pull towards a ‘good’ we see in the object of attraction, in this case, a human person. The definition of good, however, may differ according to persons and may be influenced by environment, media etc. However, the initial reaction of attraction can also be considered “blind” as the attraction is very often a result of perception. The value of attraction is dependent on whether the good that the attraction is directed to is really what it ought to be, and is not merely perception. Furthermore, attraction should be to the person as a whole (recognizing the value a human person carries), and not just to the values(perceived to be) within a person (eg. kindness, generosity, maturity, humour, wisdom, compassion etc) . Impression is often a result of a perception rooted in an image (clean, sleek, sweet-looking, cute, strong, weak, fair etc) whereas emotion is inspired by a value. Whichever it is, an attraction resulting from an impression or an emotion experienced is most often than not, is not a true indication of the person as a whole. Hence, love cannot attain its fullest form, as it is not one that is proportionate to the value of the person.

Very often, Love as an attraction is the first phase in the action of love. However, it must, by the act of will, grow to become so much more. Love’s fullest form must be the goal.

b. Second form/phase in love, Love as desire.

Upon recognizing the person as a good, we then desire that good for ourselves. We want to have that good for ourselves. How is this different from selfishness? Desire for love and to ‘possess’ the object of love, is not a selfish response. On the other hand, the desire to have that person in our life, as our own, is a direct acknowledgement and acceptance of the truth that we are incomplete on our own, that we are incapable of living in confinement or without companionship. By this desire, we are acknowledging our dependence on another, in order to attain fullness ourself. Of course, when we say that it is our nature to live in companionship, we do not mean, that a single person or priests or monks are then, going against this nature. On the contrary, priests and monks live in companionship of God himself or a greater community (i.e a parish). A single person can still live in companionship of a community. Love as desire is also an indication of our innate desire to have what is good and fruitful. It is an indication of the desire for the ultimate good already inscribed in our souls, a desire for God.

c. Love as goodwill.

As much as I desire her/him for myself, above that, I desire what is good for him/her. I will choose what is good for her, above what is good for me. Here is where, the act of will plays a great role to mature love to its fuller form. Love as attraction and love as desire do not suffice for love to ripen to its true, fullest form. It would require a significant input from the person, by the act of will. What differentiates a human person from an animal?It is the gift of will. Animals have instinct, so do humans. However, the reason why a human person is not subjected to the whims and fancies of instincts is the gift of reason and will that God gave to us. Love can only take on its truest form when Man use one of God’s greatest gift to humankind, the will to perfect love. Regardless of my own inclinations, or weaknesses, or legitimate or illegitimate desires, I will always, by the act of will, choose what is good for my lover, above what is good for me. Perhaps, this is where love starts to become a challenge because it is no longer just something that happens spontaneously, and falls into place perfectly. This is where sacrifice and decisions that may be rather painful to self, need to be made.

And finally,

d. Love as reciprocity.

Love is a bilateral and interpersonal matter. As much as one desires another as a good for themselves and wish to have that good in their lives, above all, he/she would desire that their partner also wishes to share themselves with them. There is a desire, and a need for the love to be reciprocated. Reciprocity is the very nature of love. Why?Because love is not just about my love for you, or your love for me but it is about our love for each other and the desire for this “two” love to be unified and become one. Love can only attain its fullest form when there is reciprocity and union, when that two individual love, by the act of will and self-giving, then unifies and becomes one and bears good fruit. That is the fullest form of love attainable on earth.

And some reflection on a not-so related question,

What is the difference between eros and lust?

Eros, can be translated to erotic love and refers to the passionate mutual exchange of love between a man and woman. Eros is the love that desires for unification with the other that represents good for self. Eros is a gift. It is a gift that must be used to bear good fruit. All gifts are good and from God. However, they have the potential to be used according to man’s will, to bear either good fruits or bad. Similarly, sexual urge and eros, on their own, are gifts, good gifts. However, the fruits of these gifts will dependent on our actions and will. For example, intelligence, on its own, is a good gift. However, it can be used to bear bad fruits (fraud, robbery, forgery etc) or good fruits (scientific discoveries, education, improvement in standards of living etc). How does eros realize its fullest potential as a good gift? When it is infused with agape (unconditional, self-giving, God’s love). When eros infuses itself with agape, then does it attain its truest purpose. In Eros, the person is the end.

Lust is a serious and ugly distortion of love. It is not self-giving but self-seeking and the person and his value are reduced to merely being a means to achieve an end, which is often pleasure or self-gratification. In lust, the human person is objectified (viewed as an object that has the potential of conferring pleasure) and are used either physically, psychologically or mentally to achieve that end. This degrades and pollutes the value and sanctity of the person. Lust, though easy to be confused with Eros due to the similar characteristic of passion, is far from eros and a grave distortion of Eros. Lust is neither capable of infusion with agape nor of bearing good fruits.

Of course, I am not saying that love needs to acquire its fullest form before two people get into a relationship. I am saying that when two people are in a relationship, the fullest and truest form of love should always be the end we're working towards. and anyway, love is not a thing, or an event, it is an ongoing process. So, let's embrace the journey!

All in all, love requires a constant and consistent act of will, that can be challenging. It is not always easy, neither does it grow spontaneous. It requires a lot of hardwork and most of the time, it has very little to do with what we 'feel'. It may not always be pleasant, because it requires self-sacrifice and making choices that though good but not necessarily give happiness (Atleast not short-term).

So, here's to learning to love. If we can work so hard for so many other things in life (money, career, education, goals, dreams etc), why can't we work hard for that one thing we yearn so much in life, love?

Happy loving and learning to love.

Well, the past week or so has been more of a challenge for me. Perhaps, it was post-Christmas depression. In the week that I should and must have been filled with joy, I was filled with a sense of desolation, despair, discouraged, like nothing mattered. Perhaps it was the effect leaving family and home after spending 10 days with them. Perhaps, it was the realisation that regardless of the friends or the family, I was back to being alone (and perhaps the fear that this may be the reality for many more years to come, or forever escalated the depression). I am but an ordinary human person.

I suppose, the past year or two seem to have been such a waste (though this is absolutely untrue and was just a result of my skewed vision), with no progress, with efforts being wasted, with uncertainty being my most loyal companion, with failures to let go of attachments, for frustration resulting from desire for companionship vagera vagera (which means etc in hindi. :P)

I felt hope was slipping out of my hands and the sense of purpose was beginning to fade away. It took me a while to regain hope and redirect my vision to the Truth. But it is finally here, and hence the first post.

And it is not really an inspirational post. It is simply a post about me.

10 things you would have never known or guessed about me

1. 1. I am a lame rebel. The closest I got to rebelling when the man (who was an Indian) I loved didn’t have the courage to tell me he didn’t feel the same, and blamed it on his parents who will never agree to dating a girl of a different religion, and then went on to get into a relationship with a another girl, and didn’t even have the decency to tell me so, to whose girlfriend, I continued to show care, love and encouragement because she didn’t believe she was good enough for him, was to stop using my hands to eat and switched to cutleries. Don’t get it? That’s how lame a rebel I am. You see, I (mis)concluded that the reason he didn’t/couldn’t reciprocate my love was because I wasn’t an Indian girl enough for him. So, I reacted by rebelling by stopping to be any Indian, which to me, was to switch to cutleries when eating. Yes, sometimes, I am a real joke. That was the only way I would allow myself to rebel publicly to express the anger, frustration and pain I felt on the way he handled the situation. I wasn’t as upset with the fact that he didn’t love me as I was with the fact he didn’t have the courage and decency to be honest with me about it. Lame. I know already. That was about 4 years back. Have grown up since. Atleast I think I have.

2. 2. Though sensibility, practicality, reasoning, logic, intelligence and/or wisdom seem to be key characteristics of mine, as described by others, these qualities seem to just mysteriously disappear when it comes to matters of love. I am an overly optimistic, uncompromisingly ambitious (not on the type of man, but on the values that relationship should stand by), never giving up, pathetically unconditionally, unreasonably giving and frustratingly hopeful when it comes to loving. I’m starting to feel it’s a disorder.

3. 3. I am an introvert. You didn’t know that, did you? Although I can be hyper and mad and energetic and optimistic and enthusiastic and bubbly, I am more comfortable being an introvert. I love spending quiet times just reading, walking or just listening to people. I really do. I enjoy silence very much. Expressing myself verbally is an ardent challenge for me and making conversations with people isn’t as easy. I always make the effort to get to know the strangers and the new people I meet because I believe God has placed them there in my life for a reason and I never want to miss out on that gift. Greedy, I must say.

4. 4. As a teen, I was difficult, temperamental, rude and angry. I hated my mother for forcing me to do many things I hated. I was always quick to throw a tantrum. I had a sharp tongue which I’ve used to hurt, especially, my mom. I am not at all, proud of it. I regret it entirely. It is one of those things I am very ashamed of in my life. Transformation came slowly when I was approaching 16 years of age, through the sacrament of confirmation. No kidding. So much has changed since. Relationship with parents has been very blessed. Worked past our past hurts. And have learned to express our love for each other since. Thank you God.

5. 5. I am a dreamer. Literally. I dream A LOT. Almost every time I sleep. I’m always dreaming. There’s almost always friends and families involved. When I was younger, I used to dream that I am saving the world from evil forces. I am always trying relocate people to safety, hide them if necessary. I am always running in my dreams from the bad guys. Though, I don’t dream of saving in such big scales nowadays, I still do dream of saving my friends and families from the trouble, or pain or discouragement they are experiencing. I still do dream of reaching out and helping them in the most ordinary and simplistic way I can think of. Have I dreamt of being saved by someone else? Yes, a particular friend, and very often, my father. I love my dad. He is the most courageous, self-sacrificial man I know.

Write 5 first lar, uh? Because I can't think of the others yet.

And finally, the quote that I came across that I loved,

"Sometimes the world asks us to fight for things we do not understand and whose significance we may never discover. But we always know when some rules need to be broken." Paulo Coelho

Along the way in life, sometimes, some of us may infer that perhaps that void is to be filled by personal achievements or accomplishments. Perhaps we think that if we do something ‘GREAT’ with our lives, if we achieve excellence, then we will be fulfilled and the void will no longer be there. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to make something better or great out of our lives, there is nothing wrong with wanting to achieve excellence. However, when we think that these achievements are the end that we’re working towards, the end that will fill up the void in us, then we are setting ourselves up for a disappointment. It will not take much time till we soon realise that these elements do not fill the void that seem to be present in us. Such a result may frustrate us, that after all the effort we’ve put into achieving excellence, the void is still there, present as it was before. That after all the hard work and dedication, after all the achieving and accomplishing, we come to see that these did not fill up the void.

Some of us may give up and decide to do with life whatever we please, as we do not seem to be able to find the answer to fill that void. So, we may end up chasing the quick temporary gratifications and pleasures, that help us forget the presence of that yearning and void. But only for a short moment. Once the effects of these pleasure wear off, we begin searching for another quick temporary gratification that would help us forget that thirst (temporarily).

Some of us, on the other hand, do not give up, but begin identifying other elements as possible answers to fulfilling that void. In many instances, we conclude that perhaps the presence of a person of the opposite sex as a life partner would be the answer to this void. So, we invest all we have in finding this person. Once we’ve found this person, we invest all our energy and commitment to nurturing this relationship to a point of marriage. In marriage, we give all that we have to this commitment that we believe would fill the void within us. And once again, there is nothing wrong with wanting to invest in relationships, be it friendship, or exclusive relationship between man and woman. There is nothing wrong in giving all that we have to nurture that relationship/marriage. The danger is when these relationship become the end we’re working towards in our lives, because we believed that they would fulfil the void in us. Deeper into our marriage or relationship, we come to realise that this person does NOT fill that void within us.

After this experience, some may give up on investing in relationships all together, whereas some may conclude that they haven’t found the ‘right’ person. That previous partner was the ‘wrong’ person and so we begin searching once again for this seemingly ‘right’ person. It is this perception that has lead to the crazy number of divorces occurring now. This misconstrued perception that the void is to be filled by another man or woman leads us on a frantic search of this one person, who we seem never to find. Then, we give up the belief that we are created to be with one person who will be with us until the end of time exists. We conclude that such a belief is too ideal, unrealistic and a myth. So, we choose to simply live on a day-to-day basis. We resort to subjectivity. We make a choice to love another. We come to a conscious conclusion that although, a person may seem to be the right person for us today, tomorrow, it may not be so anymore and we are prepared to face that. We programme into our minds that we are free to move on to another, when the time comes. The tragic thing is, the more we move around from a man to a man, or from a woman to a woman, the more hopeless and empty we feel. The more evident the void becomes, the more unfulfilled we are.

Perhaps, what may help is to begin by finding the courage to truly describe and understand what the desire within us is yearning for. What is the void really telling me? What am I yearning for? What am I searching for?

I see in me a strong deep desire that yearns for an eternal, pure relationship that persists against time. I yearn for a relationship that is filled with all goodness. I yearn for a love that is unconditional, one that is not dependent on my ‘performance’ or on ‘what I can offer’ but a love that exists by choice, regardless of the circumstances or my conditions. What an ideal and maybe even an unfair desire. Am I able to reciprocate such love with equality? No. Although unable to love another in the same way, I desire to be loved in that way.

Perhaps that itself gives me so much answer already. Perhaps, I was too blind to recognise the answer that was almost shouting out to me, wanting to answer me.

Who can love me in such a way, though I will not be able to love him equally? Who will be able to love me with the goodness and perfection that I desire for, for eternity? Who will be able to fulfil that void in my heart when the heart is yearning for perfection? Who is perfect?

……………………………………………………………………

The Divine Lover. God. The Creator. The Unconditional Lover. The Perfect Being. The Alpha and the Omega. The Complete, Whole, Perfect One.

Who but God?

It is this realisation that the body, mind and spirit is screaming for. That the yearning is actually for God. Not for achievement, excellence, status, nor for a human-life partner. All these merely points us towards our greater desire for God. All these merely points us towards our true vocation and destination, which is to walk towards God and to be with Him at the end of times. The desire is for the one who created us, to whom our lives (body, mind and spirit) will forever be intrinsically and extrinsically intertwined. That the void within us, is a reminder that we were created for SO MUCH MORE. That we were created for God.

The more we hide ourselves from God, or the more we deny our relations with God, the further away from the answer we seem to go.

I find it fascinating that it is easier for us to think or believe that our lives are intertwined with another human person, worse still with lifeless elements such as accomplishments, wealth, status etc and yet so difficult to believe that our lives are intertwined with the Divine Being that breathed life into our very souls, our Creator. I find it weird that according to our so-called logical mind, The Being that created us, giving us a part of Him, cannot be the one to fill that void in us, but another human person, or other elements can. Beats me. Really.

Food for thought (From the commentary from the Christian Community Bible)

The child becomes an adult when he gives up his unlimited wishes and accepts the limitations of reality. God sends us back to childhood when he stirs up within us infinite desires. “Let it be done to you as you have asked”, that is what you were able to desire and hope for and believe.

Desire is the way God prepares us for the great things he wants to give. It is our first consciousness of his work within us. Desires that are like the seeds of the parable. Many are sown that soon vanish, or we ourselves cut off their wings: “This is not for me. It is enough and safer to imitate the common persons.” Yes, it is safer to live with the limited desires, because desire can develop into thirst.

Many experience thirst for God but few are those who can bear it. We call it boredom, incapacity to share social life, and the remedy that people of goodwill usually offer to us is to plunge again into activity and or in other words, to love the world.

Better keep your thirst and let it grow and reject any satisfaction that is any less than the infinite of God. The time is coming when it will be said: “Let him approach”.

There were many times that even in the midst of busy and chaotic errands, I could still be filled with boredom.

Today, I come to see that boredom, my dear friends, indicates the heart’s yearning and the mind’s understanding that we were created for so much more than this. We were created for God. We were created to be in perfect union with God. It is for this moment that the heart yearns for.

The succeeding question would then be, “Now, that I’ve acknowledged God as the deepest desire of my soul, as the one that the void in my heart yearns to filled by, what do I do next?”

The answer to that question for me,

I follow him. I leave everything (my fears, my pains, my insecurities, my worries, my doubt etc. whatever that stands between God and myself) behind and follow him.

But…

Lord, though my optimism remains intact, my heart grieves, in unbearable magnitudes.

I cannot bring myself to grasp the cruelty that lingers on earth. The rapes, what more child rapes. The selfishness and the reluctance to adopt children, especially those that were born as a result of rape. I try so hard to hold my tongue back, to stop myself from unleashing the frustration that’s building up. I do not understand how one can profess love for God (regardless of the religion one is in) and yet find logic to deny a child the right to a good life, with parents because the child was a product of rape.

Isn’t a child, a child and a gift regardless of the consequences through which she came into the world? Does she not deserve the same amount of love? How does one deny the child life and justify it? Doesn’t one see the selfishness that decision is rooted in?

Lord, bring me out of this grief for I am drowning. I cannot bring myself to listen to all this and accept that there isn’t anything I can do to change that decision. Lord, You gave me Love in overflowing magnitudes but Lord, I need to give it away. Give me an opportunity to Love, O Lord, in ways befitting what You have given me. Or else, I may suffocate and drown and perhaps even die. Even if the body remains intact, the spirit may die and I will be lifeless being, walking around aimlessly.

I need to love. Please provide me an opportunity to do so. Amen.