Danielle
Everytime something not-so-good or not-so-wonderful or not-so-happy happens in my life, I’ve always assumed that God was responsible and that He knows what he’s doing, that I just have to trust him and find out sooner-or-later the reason behind that incidence. I’ve always felt that if I gave enough time, I would eventually understand why He would want that to happen in my life.Very often, I wouldn’t question why such a thing has happened to me, rather I would analyse to try to find out the reason as to why this needs to happen, in what way He would to want impact my life positively through those incidence.Recently, I read a book, “The Choice” by OG Mandino and I learnt one of the most valuable lessons of my life.The truth, God never decides for us how our life should run. That’s a misconception, I feel. God gives us options along our journey in life. We shape how our life is going to be based on the choices we make. The power is in our hands. We decide what we want to do, how we want to feel, how we want to view things, we decide how we want our life to be, not Him.God loves us more than we can comprehend that what we want is more important to him than what He wants, and that is the truth. He would never impose unto us something we don’t want.Yes, if we could, we would avoid anything that would hurt or break us. But if it happens, instead of breaking down and wallowing in self-pity, instead of falling into depression and feeling unworthy and unappreciated, the CHOICE is ours on how we are going to view it. When something bad happens, it is up to us view it more as a chance to explore our options and CHOOSE what is best for us. It is up to us, to remember that our life is more important than some silly bad incidence.The CHOICE will always be ours to not let anything interfere with us living our life the best way we can.Very often, we misinterpret “Living like there’s no tomorrow” as “Living without consequences”. Only recently, I discovered that “Living like there’s no tomorrow” is “Living our ONE life the best way we can”.To not be afraid of unfamiliar chances, to not be afraid to make mistakes, to not be afraid to take risks, to not be afraid to love even if they don’t love you back, to not be afraid to get hurtTo get back up when we fall, to look at the many blessings and beautiful things in life, to love like there’s no tomorrow.When we believe in this and practise this, it’s hardly unlikely that we’ll lead a miserable life.
So, for all you broken people out there, it’s not too late. You can still come out of this. You can still come out of feeling unworthy, unappreciated, hurt, damaged or depressed. Our life is of utmost important. Let’s not let others control how we feel. Even someone as beautiful as God doesn’t want to control it, why should we let people smaller than Him control our life then.
Good luck to you and to me!
|
Danielle
When you're confused and lost...unable to find answers, not even mere directions on where you should head...and you feel stuck because you want to do it right and make the right decisions this time...because you want to stop feeling like fool...stop feeling stupid, unworthy, weak and many other negative things... you know what you want but you don't how to get there...you see options and you don't see any of it being the right thing to do....so, you stop... and you continue to think... knowing it's a completely useless action because you know it's not what you want...sometimes you get angry because you still haven't been able to convince yourself that this is for the best, that everything happens for a reason, that these are all tests and you know you can survive them, that there's rainbow at the end of journey, that you have or will come out of it...no matter how many times you repeat that to yourself, you still don't believe in those things...you still don't know what to do...you tell yourself you're just too uptight... that you should relax and that these things are normal... but again, you don't believe in any of the things you tell yourself..so, you're stuck again...and you still don't know what to do...
|
Danielle
Rohene – 2001Well, she seemed rather nerdy when I first saw her in the year 1999. She wore knee length socks. It maybe fashion these days but back then, it made her seem really nerdy and goody-two-shoe.Then, when I got to know her in 2000, she seemed rather stoic, practical, don’t mess with me kind. I wasn’t afraid of her but didn’t really feel like having somebody with that sort of aura around me, then.
In 2001, I learned that she was rather funny and witty, through our waktu-rehat hang out time. She was fun to be with. So, there our friendship began. We had fun making fun of teachers we didn’t really like.By 2002, we were pretty much close because we were in the same group of friends and ending up in the same class only made things worse, as we cracked up pretty often, skipping classes we found boring, using the same-old-lame excuse of ‘Got prefects’ duty’. Haha.She was quite distant from people even then. Weirdly though, I cared for her for reasons I couldn’t explain. When she was bumped up about a Physics SPM trial exam, and another friend said something really wrong that made her cry again, I got pissed and just told her to leave and not to come back to this area for a while. When I think about it now, I know I could have handled it better, but at that point, I hated my friend’s lack of sensitivity to Rohene’s clear disappointment. It was weird caring for someone you didn’t know all too well.
Form 6 – same class and we were 4 sekawan – rohene, muna, aggie and I. Somehow, there was an innate awareness in each of us to support each other in whatever way possible throughout this 2 years cause we knew it’s not going to be easy. Now, she’s a grown woman...Really. She expresses herself better, curses a lot more than she ever did, learned to trust people better, learned to slowly let go of her ego, her amazing, analytical mind has only expanded, she’s a critical analyst of the political system in not just the government, but in the universities and schools. She understands the problem, better identifies them and therefore can better provide possible suggestions. She no longer thinks the best way to live her adult life is alone in a rented house. Her view of life has evolved. Nothing surprising, I know... but to be able to witness that change is a pretty amazing experience.Sounds like an amazing person? Yes, she is. 2 amazing friends down. Many more to go.Every friend is a part of me, that I am proud of.
|
Danielle
Sim mei, Remember how I told you that I’d like to write a thank you note to my close friends and what they mean to me and keep it safely somewhere, then when I die, I’d like it to be given to those ppl....Well, this is not that...But it’s somewhat related...It’s about some people in my life, right now, that have an impact in my life, people who I treasure, and thank for their presence...so, this is the beginning of a series of interesting journey of mine with interesting people...In order of when I got to know them...
Muna – Year 2000Muna has been an instrumental person who challenged me to be the best kind of person I can be. She had a beautiful mind with beautiful opinions. She depicted originality, honesty, and strength. Her mom was Indian Christian who converted to Islam, prior to marrying a Muslim, her soon-to-be father. Both her parents divorced later when she was about 9 years old. She grew up learning to adapt to people and environment and became really good in fitting in. Despite struggles, she grew up to become a very opinionated woman, who fought for what she believed in, even in school. Dirty toilets, unfair rules, student apathy. Me, being rather a passive person who preferred the peaceful, democratic way to solve issues, I always viewed confrontation and discussion with the higher authority to be rather futile. I preferred to do what I can in my power to change things, without having to go to the authorities. But Muna taught me to be courageous to ask for what we deserved, that others may benefit too. Because of her and through her, I became involved in many community projects, through which I learned and grew tremendously. She was the 1st person I discussed issue of marriage, meaning of life and reason we live with openly. She was also the person I went jalan-jalan cari makan trips most often with... quite intuitively... after school... she was one of the person that I would crack up with laughing for no absolute reason. She was fellow debater, with whom our team won the State Cup after many years of losing. We boldly chose to do Form 6 together, suffered in it together and did many craze things through the year, to make sure we remembered it to be more than just about books. We got lost in the jungle together, temporarily lost our sanity and vowed to do it again, someday later. Now, I see her only once a year as she studies in UK. But that one day seems really worthwhile. I don’t really sense a distance between us, though we aren’t too good at keeping in touch. I love her and I love the way we are different in character and yet very much relate to each other. I love her presence in my life and I know she’s here to stay, even if I only get to see once a year. I don’t know how long, both of us are going to live. I guess, that wouldn’t really matter... Especially not with someone I could be pretty transparent with, without having to fear what she’ll think...
|
Danielle
Imagine…If it was a Friday night, on a weekend where 100% of your close friends have either gone home or have something better to do, you fall sick with gastritis, excruciating pain and you have run out of your medicine supply…What do you do?You curl up in your bed and the pain doesn’t seem to go away…You know if you fall asleep, you’ll probably won’t feel a thing…But despite that, falling asleep is not want you seem to want…You just wished that if only someone, anyone was close enough to you that they’ll come to see you or be with you when you’re not feeling your best… Someone who would get you some hot drinks and some medicine and make you feel that you’re not at all, alone even if you’re far from home and family… cuz they’ll be there as your family…You badly wished someone would call or msg to see if you’re doing fine…You think of the people you want to call or msg to let them know that you’re not feeling too well, and a few names pop up but you couldn’t find the courage to let them know because another part of you is telling you that your actions are meaningless, because you know they’re not going to come down to visit you because you know they’re already home and you’re only going to disturb them, some part of you tell you that you’re only to going to get their sympathy and they might care because they have to, now that they know… You don’t want sympathy but just people who care genuinely, So you struggle to decide to tell or not to tell…And you fell asleep thinking…You wake the next morning and the pain due to gastritis is gone but you still wonder, will there be someone that you can call without going through the thought process you went through the night before…That was me...Yesterday...
|
Danielle
Today was his birthday. And we all threw him a big and the best kind of party that we could think of because we loved who he is and wanted to celebrate this amazing kind soul’s 21 years of LIVING. It was an amazing celebration, not because of how many people turned up but who turned up. It was a gathering of a huge family, close knitted, warm hearted family.Everytime a big and meaningful celebration such as this happens, when everyone is joyous and excited and happy and so enthusiastic with the celebration, i noticed that i have a tendency to be quieter, more observant and tend to withdraw myself from the crowd. Today i understood why i respond in that manner.Everytime, something so perfect and meaningful happens, the first thought to cross my mind was always, “How long will this last?”. Being a sceptic to the word permanent, i never really believed that anything in this world was ever permanent. My subconscious mind believes all things, the little families you make for yourself, the friendships, the effort, everything comes to an end, eventually.
I guess it was for this reason that i was somewhat obsessed with carpe diem, live for TODAY. Because i never really believed in tomorrow. And i guess, i fear, dread, that day when things change, when people who mean the world to you no longer do, when the connection shared with some special friends are lost, when dynamics of a relationship/friendship change, when everything that is left is mere memory.I dread that day. I dread the day when he and i aren’t as close as we are, dread the day when everyone would have a family for themself that they wouldn’t need this family anymore, dread when priorities will change and i will no longer be part of it. Sounds selfish? I’m sorry.I really pray that i am wrong because if i am not, i know i would be extremely nostalgic if not hurt, just thinking of these people and the moments we shared.
|
Danielle
Last week in Advance Molecular Biology class, we learned about the Alzheimer’s disease.Honestly, I found Alzheimer’s disease extremely fascinating. A thought many of my friends found troubling as they felt pity and sad for people with the disease whereas I found them to be extremely fascinating.In lay man’s term, Alzheimer’s is a disease that often affects the older generation. A person with Azheimer’s usually experiences short term memory loss, where the individual can remember his/her past eg 20 years back but cannot seem to recall his/her recent present incidences.For example, an Alzheimer’s patient may remember his 20 year old son as his 5 year old little boy as he can only recall memory from 15 years back. Well, he may not even remember his wife as he may be only able to remember his life when he was 15 years old.Being someone who never really believed in coincidences, I wondered what is it that God was trying to tell by the existence of such a disease. A disease that doesn’t allow you to remember your present but only your past.I’ve always believed that every thing, be it a disease, the sky, the rainbow, your enemies, every little element in the world is some sort of a manifestation of God’s message.To me, Alzheimer was telling me to appreciate your present, today, as you may not even remember it tomorrow. Everyday is for LIVING. So, live it without regrets. Appreciate every simple person in life and tell them what you feel about them, because tomorrow you may not even remember them.Sometimes, I wondered if I was too impulsive, too bold, for I always feel a need to tell others how I feel about them, especially if it’s something positive. Sometimes, I wondered if it’s necessary. I mean why the need to tell others how you feel about them? You can show it in your actions, right? Then why, do I feel a strong urge to tell people that I really appreciate the little things they do for me.Because as much as actions seems to be strong enough, but words clarify, reinstate and consolidate. Words require courage because it involves direct confession or acknowledgement about how you truly feel.And life is too short to be living it for tomorrow. So, I chose to live it for TODAY.
|
