One could love someone, and yet the desire to lust after that person, or another is still there.

Marriages built on love, break because of affairs that begin in lust. Sometimes, we want love but at the same time, we want to keep lust at the side.

I, once asked my friend, what was the difference between lust and passion. And he didn’t know.

I guess that might explain (a little) why lust is the choice. Perhaps most of us do not even really know what lust is and its nature.

Lust can attract even the kindest of soul.

I know that despite having understood the nature of lust, the consequences, the ugliness, the sinfulness, it can still appear to be rather attractive even to me. And it is for this very fact, I wanted to examine it more closely. This sinful nature, which despite it ugliness, yet appears attractive.

What is it about lust that is so attractive, that many of us either indulge in it some way, or are trapped in it, enchained by an addiction to it, destroyed by it, or some of us are so engulfed by it that has become a second nature to us?

When we hear the word ‘Lust’, some of us may think of sexual urge. I know that I did. I used to think that sexual urge equalled to lust. Here’s the big news.

Sexual urge is NOT lust.

Sexual urge is a naturally present desire, element whose end will be union of two flesh to become one. Sexual urge is a gift that has a unitive and procreative end. Without sexual urge, the union of two persons to become one, and to give of themselves wholly and fully to the other cannot be possible. Procreation will not be possible. So, let’s remember this. Sexual urge is NOT lust, it is not sinful. It is a gift that has a greater end in the mind.

But just like any other gift we have, it can be used for good, for its rightful purpose or it can be used for bad, for wrong purposes. What we do with sexual urge determines the final outcome.

Lust is an outcome of sexual urge that is not mastered according to human will, reason and dignity. Lust is when sexual urge is misused or is treated like an animal instinct (which it is not since it has been given to humans).

Lust is basically any act (mental, physical, emotional) in which a human person, or his body parts are used merely as an object for gratification. Lust is using someone as a means to an end, in most cases, the end is pleasure. Lust is when sexual urge is misused out of its natural context for selfish indulgences.

Love is when the person is the end, and sex is a means used to achieve union with that person as the end. Sex is an expression of love, in which two individuals committed to each other, bound by marriage, choose to give of themselves to each other wholly, and are open to bearing fruit through that union in the form of children.

Despite knowing all this, despite understanding the selfish, destructive nature of lust, something about it attracts even me and that is why I decided to analyse it, to break it down.

As I thought about it, I recognised a light pattern.

I know that the first time I ever watched porn (yes, I’ve watched porn. Wished I didn’t but I did.), it was partially out of curiosity to know the nature of the content of this genre of video that everyone was talking about, but I also realised it was after a heart-break, a painful rejection that I was most curious about porn. That itself pointed me to a better understanding on lust.

Lust becomes attractive when Love seems too far away, unattainable or too difficult. When Love seemed unfair or painful, Lust becomes an attractive option. Lust had the capability to temporarily numb the pain that Love can cause. That is because Lust is devoid of Love.

Lust was capable of numbing the pain caused by Love because Lust desecrates Love, strips it down of its original purity and dignity, and humiliates it.

Have you ever experienced a moment when someone hurts you, and you were so filled with pain and anger that you wanted to inflict pain back on the person? That’s what Lust does to Love.

When I felt that Love was being unfair to me, and caused me incessant hurts, Lust became an attractive option for revenge on Love. Since no matter how hard I tried to love right, Love has found me unworthy of itself, I wanted to hurt Love by choosing Lust, it’s enemy, it’s total opposite. Lust is everything Love fights against. What better way to hurt Love than through Lust?

One resorts to Lust when one gives up on Love. One resorts to Lust when Love poses too much risk, requires too much effort, too much giving of self. One resorts to Lust when we are convinced that self-centredness is a justifiable self-preservation method.

Lust is the easier, safer option. It revolves more around my satisfaction. In Lust, I might not even need the other person, that’s where masturbation becomes an option. With Lust, self-sufficiency is possible. It gives one the delusion of safety from pains and hurts.

What we don’t realise is that Lust is the counterfeit that can only offer temporary gratification and distraction from our hearts deepest desires, but it can never fulfil it. Lust is what we settle for when we’re deceived into thinking that we are not worthy of Love. But at the end of the day, the heart’s deepest desire will always be Love. Always. Because we were created by Love, in Love and for Love. And nothing else can give us the fulfilment we’re looking for, than Love.

It was these realisations and God’s abundant grace that gives me the determination to always, always, always try to choose Love over Lust in all situations, regardless of how tempting the situation may be.

Love will always be the first, and only true love. Lust can only be the imperfect compromise, the counterfeit.

Lord, show us the way back to Love, when Lust blinds us. Amen.

It’s been more than a week since I left my betrothed for a strange land called Australia to pursue my PhD.

Hmmm. One may wonder how is it that when one of the, if not the biggest incident in my life happened, I have yet to write anything about it. I know I wondered. In many ways, the incident that took place was so overwhelming that I honestly didn’t know how to respond. I was shocked that it actually happened. I got the scholarship. Against all odds. I am not exaggerating. Although, throughout the entire process of application and pushing and waiting for a scholarship I remained (almost delusionally) optimistic, reality knows that the probability of me getting the scholarship was like, at most, 15%. The scholarships are given to fellow UM staffs, who have yet to complete their Masters or PhD. There is an entire waiting list that the staffs get on, and then they wait for a turn to have a shot at the scholarship. And of course there are quotas involved as well. Some have waited for years on the list to be offered the scholarship.

I was no permanent staff in UM. I have only been a tutor for half a year, and that was not even known when they offered me the scholarship. Though some of my friends feel that it is a well deserved scholarship, I know that it is not true. I am merely a degree holder, and yes I am a first class holder and I can do a direct PhD but so many other students can do that too. In fact, a direct PhD is not really an advantage if you ask me. It means that I have less training in research. I am not the right skin colour. And yet, I got the scholarship. It shocked me, really. I just never really showed it or admitted. I wanted to be so optimistic, that I wasn’t ready to show any signs of doubt, though deep down, I knew this was close to impossible. And yet, it happened.

And that’s why I couldn’t write about it. I couldn’t grasp how is it that God would love me that much, to bless me that abundantly. I think it is more of why would God love me that much? I have nothing to offer. I have nothing good to put on the table, I am full of flaws, and yet God loves me so much that He wants to bless me so ridiculously. I cannot fathom it. I was literally speechless. It was a mystery to me. It still is. And even as I write this, I still can’t come up with a conclusion. It is a dead-end writing. There is nothing I can say that could do justice for the grace that has been bestowed in my life, and the abundance of love that continues to flood and rejuvenate me.

Nothing.

Lesson #4: The difference faith makes.

To some it may be complacence, to some it may be delusion or perhaps even apathy, but faith in God helped me approach many situations rather calmly. I never panicked, regardless how ‘risky’ the situation looked, because I knew with conviction that God was with us, and that things will just work out. This conviction came not from blind faith but from personal experiences in which God always made things work out. Always. Not just in big things like exams, universities, healing from hurts, safety, family but even in the simpler things like catching my bus on time, finding parking, finding good food, recovering faster from sickness just in time for an exam or something I wanted to attend, finding the perfect shoe, singing in a talent show. To me, for as long as I have done whatever that is within my strength and given my best, God will always bless and take care of the rest, even if circumstances look bleak and unpromising. Rohene very often looked stressed when we were manoeuvring to a place. I never quite felt stressed for these because I have had enough experiences (=data) to know that these things will fall into place. Rohene was worried that we might miss the flight back to KL and was only able to relax when we’ve entered and sat in the plane. Never did that thought come into my mind. Missing the flight. Not when we’ve checked-in on time. The departure gates opened at 8.30pm. We were running towards it at 8.35pm. Rational told me that the rest of the passengers can take up to 5 mins or more to pass through. Regardless of everything, God blesses and we would still catch that flight. I was convinced of that. And if by some really odd chance, we miss it, then there must be something really important that God wants to tell me through that incidence. So I never quite worried.

I only came to see the difference faith has made in my life, when I looked at Rohene’s stressed out face when we finally sat in the plane, and I realised that I didn’t share her panic. It fascinated me initially and I wondered whether it was just me not understanding the seriousness of the situation or if it was just apathy. When I realised it was actually faith built over years of experience and observation, I felt grateful for the gift of faith. Travelling becomes that much less stressful when we have faith, when we include God to be a part of the experience. I guess that applies to every other aspect in life too.

I also came to realise that circumstances do not stress me, people do. That is something I definitely need to work on. If I can trust God with circumstances, why can’t I do the same with people.

Now, it’s time to have some faith on the people responsible for the Obedient Wives’ Club, that they will one day grow wise and use the gift of intellect and rational that God has given them. I refrain from writing about this issue because we all know what we think about it, most of us atleast. We have been blessed with a certain level of awareness to know that what a ‘brilliant’ idea it is, an idea that demeans the value of a human person, both man and woman. Other (selfish) reason to not write about it is that it would only leave me frustrated and agitated. So, why bother.

Lessons from HK travel.

Lesson #1: Always travel with persons you’ve known for similar length/for substantial number of years, especially if they are boys :P. I have come to conclude that it may not be the wisest of decisions to travel with 2 friends you’ve known for 12 years, whereas the other two, you’ve barely known for a 6 months. The great disparity between the level of comfort and knowledge of the two different group of friends can really strain the travelling experience. As newly-made acquaintances, both parties have yet to know and truly understand the characters of each other. Therefore, the possibility of misunderstandings are great. Especially since self-planned travels (i.e not following a tour) can be quite challenging and stressful. I wish I could say that I am open to travelling with anyone but I am not up for that kind of challenge, atleast not right now.

Lesson #2: Enough rest and sleep are CRUCIAL for an enjoyable travel. Although one would love to see as many things as possible during one’s stay at the destination, the lack of rest and especially sleep leads to a decrease in the capacity to enjoy one’s trip. Furthermore, it also leads to increased irritability among co-travellers. This irritability may or may not cause a long-term strain on the friendship between travellers, depending on the stability or strength of the friendship. Fortunately, Rohene, Agkillah and I were able to come out of this laughing at the misunderstandings we had. Perhaps that's really a testament to the strength of our 12-year friendship.

Lesson #3: Don’t hold back on spending. Sounds like a bad advice? Think again. Once we’ve set a budget for the travelling, spend generously to maximise enjoyment as long the expenditure remains within the set budget. It is good to set a lower and upper quartile for the spending limit, so as to be able to gage the maximum limit for expenditure as well as the minimum. Trying to save money while you’re travelling (although you’re already within budget) may lead to regrets which you’d have to wait for years before they can be undone. I was trying to be so ‘SAFE’ with my expenditures that I ended up saving 400 HKD unnecessarily. I was still within my allotted budget, was nowhere near hitting my upper quartile (which was 5000HKD) and yet I still tried to save money. Not setting my lower quartile may have been the problem. My median was 3700HKD, and I saved 400 HKD out of that. At the end of the day, I came back with lesser souvenirs than I wanted to and now I am dying to just go back and buy more stuff. Don’t try to safe money, unless you’re approaching your upper quartile. That’s my advice, to myself atleast.

Think that’s enough for today. Shall share more sometime soon.

Allow me to share a picture from our travel.

Perhaps my devotion and desire for You can be sometimes baffling,
Perhaps what drives me so close to You and Your works is fascinating,
Perhaps, the fact that I am where I am today purely because of You is not very well known,
Perhaps the fact that all the things that could have unsurprisingly gone wrong and yet they never did (seeing the background I come from) was no coincidence,

Perhaps I failed to proclaim that every inch of my life has been so blessed because of your grace, that it is perfection, and that is no exaggeration.

You have made all things wonderful, perfect, O Lord, and that is no coincidence.
That is simply purely the Love You have for Your people.
Perhaps, no one knows, that You made have literally ALL things possible through You and for that I am truly truly grateful Lord.

For the many great wonderful things I know comes my way, not because of who I am, but because of who You are, I will forever be indebted in soul and body, in mind and heart to You, My Lord.

The institution of marriage has been so desecrated that lately, it has been so difficult for me to truly see and believe the purity and beauty that lies within it. The selfless and total gift of self to the other in marriage, has become somewhat of a taboo, impractical and delusional. As I watched the royal wedding, I was intrigued by the number of people who tuned in to watch the wedding. What is it about royal weddings that attract us, so much so that we would leave early from work, skip daily mass, talk our friends and family into rescheduling any plans that we may have had, just so that we can sit through and watch the wedding?

For your information, I didn’t do any of the above actually. I came back home as I normally would, took a short nap (although the royal wedding preparation was being screened on the tv), then got ready to attend the daily mass, walked down to the common hall of my hostel to find so many of my fellow residents gathered and following the wedding rather faithfully. I managed to catch a glimpse of Kate in her wedding dress, just before she got into the car to leave to Westminster Abbey Church before I left to attend mass in church. And I absolutely loved that dress. It was completely ethereal to me. I was telling Kathlin how it was exactly what I had in mind for my wedding (Not exaggerating!!!!). It is almost identical to what I had in mind for mine. I loved the laced sleeves, I loved the V-neckline, I loved the collar. It was beautiful. Then I went for mass, and then dinner, and then came back just in time to catch the royal kiss by the balcony. What are the odds? God blesses abundantly. He had no reason to but He still did.

So, yeah. Why share all this? Well, I came to realise that I had a subtle sense of contempt for the wedding. Sad but true. Perhaps it was because I was beginning to lose hope that love that is true and pure and God-centred existed and watching the royal wedding only made me feel like that this picture of perfection and fairy tale is but a lie and delusion. As I sat through mass, shared with God my doubts on this institution called marriage, my hopelessness was transformed into hopefulness, despair into trust.

I believe that the reason the royal wedding draws such a crowd of an audience is because of the so-called fairy tale-like nature of the wedding, the perfection that is portrayed, and the purity of the relationship and the magnanimous nature of the union.

And the reasons these elements draw our attention is because there is a strong desire hidden in the depths of our hearts to experience such a love and relationship in our lives too. We too desire for love that is grand, life-giving and life-transforming, love that is pure and unifying. We desire a love that is beautiful in such a grand scale; hence our fascination with royal weddings. Our fascination with the royal weddings reveals our desire for love that is more divine than utilitarian, love that is more fruitful than just pornographic, love that is more purified than just a result of a combination of human weaknesses.

The only problem is, although we know what we desire, we are not interested in pursuing such a thing in our lives, because we have been made to believe that such a love either doesn’t exist or is up to luck, or because it requires a lot of great efforts and making difficult choices, which we are not prepared to make. We desire but we are unwilling to give so much of ourselves, and work and effort to obtain it. Perhaps, sloth (i.e a sadness that arises from the fact that the good is difficult to obtain; and so we settle not to pursue it) is the evil that has robbed us of the fulfilment of the many desires that we feel in our hearts.

(Additional note: *In order to attain a higher value one must exert a greater effort of the will. So in order to spare ourselves the effort, to excuse our failure to obtain this value, we minimize its significance, deny it the respect it deserves. From Love and Responsibility by John Paul II)

But at the end of it all, despite the hopelessness I felt as I came to realize how unwilling we are to give what it takes to reap love in its fullest form, I was subsequently filled with the joy and hope of the promise of Christ, that because it is He who leads my life, then things will blessed against the norm, that He will bring good out of everything that can and may happen (even the not-so-good things) and eventually answer my prayers, and fulfill the desires in my heart, the desires which He placed in me.

And so I will wait, knowing that His promise will be accomplished because He desires for each of us a life lived in union with another (either in marriage or religious life) as He lives in union with Father and the Spirit.